


Gold Dedicated To You

by mytinystars



Series: Figure Skating Slices of Life [4]
Category: Monsta X (Band), 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Figure Skater Im Changkyun | I.M, Figure Skater Lee Jooheon, Friends to Lovers, G-Dragon has a bigger role than I intended, Gay Panic, He's the best hyung, Hurt/Comfort, Im Changkyun | I.M Needs A Hug, Injured Im Changkyun | I.M, Kihyun is a good hyung, Kihyun is pretty much all knowing, Kwon Jiyong | G-Dragon Cameo, M/M, Mentioned Jeon Jungkook, Mentioned Kim Namjoon | RM, Mentioned Kim Seokjin | Jin, Mentioned Kim Taehyung | V, Mentioned Min Yoongi | Suga, Mentioned Park Jimin (BTS), Misunderstandings, Original Male Character(s) - Freeform, Other Ships Not Mentioned in Tags, Sexuality Crisis, Trigger warning for blood and injury, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-01
Updated: 2019-11-06
Packaged: 2021-01-16 01:27:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 23,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21262835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mytinystars/pseuds/mytinystars
Summary: Changkyun and Jooheon have been best friends for years now, training under Kwon Jiyong, a four-time Olympic medalist. They know each other better than they know themselves.But for the upcoming competition season, Changkyun’s free skate for the Grand Prix series is sexier than anyone was prepared for. Jooheon has a sexuality crisis and his relationship with Changkyun suffers. How will they fix it? Will they fix it in time for the Grand Prix series?





	1. Part 1: Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Set before Yerin's birth. Changkyun is around 20, Jooheon around 22. Short first chapter, it'll get better later on.

Changkyun considered Jooheon his best friend. They’d trained together under legendary figure skater Kwon Jiyong for nearly four years at this point and they'd competed against each other even longer. They’d had Hyungwon to thank for that—they'd grown up training with Lee Chaerin, but after training with Jiyong for six months, Hyungwon had begged Changkyun to take Jiyong's test and once he'd passed, he met Jooheon for the first time.

The other skaters at the rink hadn’t liked Changkyun at first. They didn’t understand where he’d come from—or how he managed to join Jiyong’s team so late into the season. They didn’t treat him well, leaving him out of the rink group chat, not inviting him to group dinners, needlessly picking apart his frankly flawless skating. This left him friendless, except for Hyungwon. At the time, however, Hyungwon was too busy following Lee Hoseok, an older, more skilled skater, like a lovesick puppy to pay much attention to Changkyun, giving Jooheon the chance to properly introduce himself to the new kid and maybe become his friend. Changkyun had stayed at the rink late one night because he was unable to nail his triple flip during practice. It was an easy jump for him, and Chaerin would have been unimpressed, but he'd been new to the area and all the people and no one seemed to like him and he hadn't been having the easiest time adjusting. Jooheon, who had forgotten his earbuds, walked into the main rink area just in time to see Changkyun fall hard on his back. Jooheon had helped him up off the ice, listened to him explain what he thought the problem was, and showed him his own triple flip (which was absolutely flawless, in Changkyun’s own opinion), allowing Changkyun to fix it. Eventually he did land a beautiful triple flip and he'd definitely cleaned up his technique after that, but Changkyun thinks that what really helped him overcome the problem was letting Jooheon in.

And so Jooheon was Changkyun’s first friend. After the season ended and tensions didn't run so high, the other skaters warmed up to Changkyun, becoming some of his closest friends. Some of the best years of his life had been spent at that rink in Seoul and the people he trained with were now his family. Kihyun, the rink’s co-manager and formerly a teammate of theirs, was like a parental figure when someone needed one. He often would bring snacks to the skaters during breaks and let them talk to him about stress in their lives and, despite his bad knee, was always ready to provide advice when someone asked it. Hyunwoo, the main dance choreographer alongside Jung Hoseok, was the dad if Kihyun was the mom. He and Kihyun had been dating forever and ever and had unofficially become the parents of the members of the rink. Minhyuk became a friend to Changkyun easily after a little bit of time, as did Hoseok, who was sometimes called Wonho. Changkyun often talked to Taehyung, Jimin, Jungkook, and Namjoon, too, who had been in the rink a little longer than him but still treated him like one of their own.

But Jooheon had always been more special to Changkyun than anyone else. After all, Jooheon had been his first true friend at the rink, the first one he could really talk to. He found out Jooheon had a passion for music in addition to skating - he could write music like no one’s business and his rhythm and flow when he rapped to it was enchanting, in a sense. Changkyun could listen to him talk or rap for hours, about anything, about everything, about nothing. 

Changkyun had always known he liked boys. Girls were pretty, yes, and funny and kind, but he never felt a true connection to a girl like he’d felt for boys in the past. He’d always just seen it as another part of himself. It was just.. Him. It never bothered him. It also never came up in conversation. All the students at the rink, his friends, his coach - they all thought he was straight. And that was okay with Changkyun.

He’d had a crush on a boy in middle school—a pretty serious crush, too. His heart would skip a beat and his breath would catch in his throat whenever he saw this boy. He'd think about the boy _all the time,_ and then Lee Chaerin, his former coach, would get cross with him for being distracted during practice. It was a hopeless crush, and because Changkyun had experienced it before meant he could identify it later down the road too.

It hit Changkyun one night before he left for Russia to compete in the Rostelecom Cup. He and Jooheon had gone out for dinner in France after competing in the Internationaux de France, just the two of them, and somehow they found themselves inches away from each other, noses nearly touching, staring directly into each other’s eyes. It was like a cliche moment from a movie, or something straight out of a teenage romance novel. But that whole moment had meant so much to Changkyun. He'd felt his heart skip, his breath catch in his chest. He'd thought about the moment constantly—he still thinks about it. At the time, it had been devastating. He'd known what it meant. 

Changkyun spent the entire night crying to himself.

He was in love with his best friend. What else was he supposed to do?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!


	2. Part 2: Jooheon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Changkyun's free skate makes Jooheon feel a way he's not used to feeling.

For a while, the youngest skaters in the rink were Jungkook and Changkyun. Regardless of their personalities, the fact that they 're the youngest makes it hard for anyone to see them as anything other but the babies—the maknaes—of the rink. Jiyong doesn't train girls. His rink is strictly boys, and that means that the youngest members are often the targets of what Jiyong likes to call "older brother behavior." Jungkook and Changkyun are cute, and squishy, and fun to tease. They're the baby siblings everyone wants to protect and love, even if they themselves don't want to be protected. Regardless, they normally do a pretty okay job of keeping up that reputation—most of the time—and that's why Changkyun’s newest free skate has stopped the entire rink.

He’s just received his new costume, just in time for Jiyong's students to practice their dress rehearsals for the upcoming season. Changkyun's costume is a dangerously low-cut black and green top that teases his chest, glinting with blinding white and black sequins and rhinestones. The gems on his costume dance like he does, giving him an almost ethereal glow as he takes the ice. With his hair slicked back, his studded top taunting his muscular torso, and a relaxed, sultry look in his eyes as he moves into his starting position, Changkyun is eye candy to anyone, female or male. Rather than tease him for the look he sports, or congratulate him on his newest program, or even cheer him on, the entire rink stops working. Everyone is fixated on Changkyun and Changkyun alone. Jooheon included.

The music starts and Changkyun swung his hips to the rhythm, a slow, tango tune that oozes sex appeal. Jooheon immediately feels heat rise to his cheeks. Jungkook and Namjoon both look a little guilty as they watch but appear unable to take their eyes away. Hyungwon is watching with wide eyes and Hoseok stands next to him, his expression confused. Minhyuk watches with his jaw on the floor and behind him, Kihyun forces himself to look away, an embarrassed blush dusting his cheeks. Hyunwoo and Hobi are entranced as well; their eyes are the only things about them that move, following Changkyun’s lithe body as he glides and dances across the ice. The only ones who don't seem at all affected by the routine are the one and only Kwon Jiyong and Min Yoongi, the ones who choreographed the routine, and they're wearing matching calculating expressions. Jiyong's mouth is set into a firm line, his eyes not once leaving Changkyun.

Changkyun drops into a cantilever in one agile, fluid motion, running his hands over his chest and winking at no one as he stands back up and reaches to slick his hair back, running his tongue over his teeth. Jooheon swallows. Someone wolf whistles. Yoongi's jaw clenches. 

After another agonizing minute, the music eventually comes to a close and Changkyun strikes his ending pose, leaning back onto the ends of his blades and tossing a seductive glance over his shoulder. The entire arena is silent. Absolutely no one reacts. Changkyun relaxes, looking nervously at Jiyong, who looks almost like he's in pain, and Yoongi, who is as unreadable as ever.

“Was it bad? Why is everyone so quiet? Why are you all looking at me like that?” Changkyun asks as he skated towards Jiyong.

“It wasn’t bad at all,” Jiyong says, casting an annoyed glance in Jooheon’s direction. “It was impressive, Changkyun. You nailed your quad salchow and that cantilever was absolutely gorgeous. Let’s work on getting that free leg under control for your axel. It looks like a noodle.”

Changkyun dips his head at the praise, blushing, and there's a nearly collective sigh of relief at the return of their little brother. After taking his skates off, Changkyun follows Jiyong into the dance studio, taking Hyunwoo with him. Slowly everyone regains their bearings and the rink comes back to life, everyone returning to what they had been doing prior to Changkyun’s routine.

Later that night, Jooheon lays in his bed, staring at the ceiling. He’s always viewed Changkyun as his best friend, his rinkmate, his little brother. Changkyun is someone close to his heart, but that had always been a platonic feeling.

Until now, apparently.

Why the hell had Changkyun’s routine made him react that way? He’d been speechless for almost five minutes afterwards. Jooheon groans and rolls over in bed, burying his face in his pillow.

Jooheon has never really given his sexuality much thought. He’s never had the time to truly be romantically interested in anyone. His thoughts growing up had always been preoccupied, what with his skating and education. He always figured he would just figure it out when he did, that he would cross that bridge when he came to it. But how he thinks he might be approaching that bridge, and he has no idea what to do.

* * *

The next morning Jooheon wakes up, showers and dresses himself in record speed, and practically inhales a bowl of fruit and eggs before making a break for it, running to the rink before Minhyuk, his roommate, even has a chance to get up and ask him why he's leaving so early. He almost sprints past Jiyong’s office and skirts the ice, tumbling down the hallway before he bursts into Kihyun’s office, relieved to find the older man already there. Jooheon doesn't always count his blessings that Kihyun is the most annoying morning person he's ever met, but now that he needs him, he's absolutely grateful Kihyun gets up so early every day. Kihyun just about jumps out of his skin when Jooheon stumbles through the door, turning sharply from where he stands next to a file cabinet and nearly dropping whatever he's holding.

“Jooheon-ah!” He yelps. “You startled me! What the hell are you doing here so early? Do you know what time it is—”

“Hyung,” Jooheon pants desperately, instantly shutting Kihyun up. 

“Heonney,” Kihyun put his stack of papers on top of the file cabinet and made his way over to the skater, who was trembling from both exertion and nerves. “What is it? What’s going on?”

“Hyung..” Jooheon swallowed, looked at the floor. Then looked up again. “I think I might be gay.”

Kihyun blinks in surprise, then relaxes, letting a weird expression take over his features. "Jooheon, there's nothing wrong with that. One in five boys in this rink is gay or at least bisexual."

"No, no, no." Jooheon shakes his head, fighting to find the right words. Jooheon doesn't have any problem with being gay. That's not what's bothering him so much. It's who he apparently is gay for that he's freaking out about. He can't be in love with Changkyun, he just can't. 

He voices this to Kihyun, who sits down on the edge of his desk, staring at him contemplatively. 

"Why can't you be in love with Changkyun?" Kihyun asks gently.

After spluttering for moment, Jooheon responds, "I just can't. It.. it wouldn't work. He's straight. He's... we're best friends. Nothing more, nothing less. Best friends."

Even to him, he sounds more like he's trying to convince himself than Kihyun.

"Why don't you think it would work? You two complete each other in more ways than one," Kihyun says easily, and Jooheon feels like his tongue is tied.

He doesn't know what to do. How's he supposed to behave now? He knows he's easy to read; it's one of his biggest attributes. He's an open book. He wears his heart on his sleeve. He's heard all of it before. He just sometimes wishes it wasn't true.

Kihyun shakes his head dismissively when Jooheon tells him this. "It's not a bad thing that you're easy to read. In fact, it allows people like your friends to get closer to you. Don't be ashamed of being an open book, Jooheon. Life is too short for that." Kihyun says sagely. Jooheon would normally agree, but in this moment he doesn't want to agree. He keeps that bit to himself.

"What do I do?" Jooheon asks, pacing around Kihyun's office. "What am I supposed to say? Or do? God, Kihyun-hyung, nothing will be the same anymore. And I can't believe that it was his overly-sexual free skate routine that made me realize this. I seem like some fucked-up predator."

"You can calm down, first of all." Kihyun smirks. "You do not seem like a predator for having a gay awakening over Changkyun's routine. Do you know what I heard one of the new kids, Sanha, say after he was finished? He said, 'that was so hot I think it turned me gay.' And for the record, I don't think a single one of the boys who train at this rink are completely straight either. Honestly, Jooheon, that routine was eye candy for anyone. Don't feel ashamed."

"That still doesn't help me. What am I supposed to do now?" Jooheon plunks into Kihyun's desk chair and buries his face into his hands, upset. Kihyun softens.

"Hey, it'll be okay. You should tell him. Maybe wait until after the Grand Prix, but still tell him." Kihyun muses. Jooheon snaps his gaze to the older man.

"Tell him? Why would I do that?" He nearly yells. "Hyung, he'd hate me. We'd never be able to look at each other again. It would ruin what we have!"

"Changkyun wouldn't hate you because you have feelings for him, Jooheon. He has a lot of personality traits, but being an unwarranted prick isn't one of them, and I know that and I know that you know that. Besides, we both know he prefers to be told things face to face, right? He appreciates communication." Kihyun says, trying to reason with him. Jooheon knows he's right. He absolutely knows Kihyun is entirely, one-hundred-percent correct. But Kihyun is _always_ right, and in that moment, Jooheon is too distressed and upset to try to reason with himself. As if he can tell Jooheon is having a silent mental breakdown, Kihyun moves to crouch in front of the younger skater, looking into his eyes. "Come on, now. What is it I always tell you when you feel like you're having a crisis?"

Jooheon's lips twist into a pout. He's not in the mood for this, but Kihyun's smirk grows wider.

"Are you doing drugs?" He chants.

"No." Jooheon curls his lip, moving his gaze to the floor.

"Do you have a terminal illness?" Kihyun asks, combing one of Jooheon's locks of black hair through his fingers. 

"No." Jooheon sighs, feeling his heart slowly stop racing.

"Then...?" Kihyun prompts, smiling at Jooheon.

Unwittingly, a small smile plants itself on Jooheon's lips. "Then everything is going to be okay."

"That's right. You're going to be fine, Jooheon, no matter what comes of this scenario. Just think on it, okay? Think about telling him. You know he won't hate you. That's not who he is." Kihyun soothes. "You have my support, Jooheon. Always."

Jooheon smiles wanly. He still feels like absolute garbage but is trying his best to cover it up, and to be honest, Kihyun's mantra did help him calm down some. He usually curses Kihyun's ability to be right all the time, but right now he feels grateful, too.

"Yeah. Thanks."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's gonna happen?? :0 Thank you for reading!


	3. Part 3: Changkyun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jooheon's acting weird. Changkyun tries to find out what's wrong.

Jooheon is acting strange. It's easy for Changkyun to tell that something is wrong because one, Jooheon is easy to read as it is, and two, Jooheon is his best friend. If the way Jooheon is walking around like his dog just died isn't an easy pointer to the fact that something is wrong, Changkyun knows Jooheon better than he knows himself, and that alone is enough to put Changkyun on edge.

As he steps off the ice and slips on his blade guard, he looks around for the older man, and eventually spots his tall figure by the water fountain. His back is to Changkyun and he doesn't give any indication that he hears Changkyun approaching, even though the click-clacking of his blade guards are a tell-tale sign that someone is behind him. Changkyun frowns as Jooheon fills up his water bottle at the fountain, his expression vacant, as if he's so deep in thought he isn'y paying any attention to anything around him. He stares at his bottle as it fills rapidly with water, but by the blankness in his gaze it looks more like he's staring through it. 

“Hyung!” Changkyun gasps and jumped into action as the bottle begins to overflow, spilling icy water all over Jooheon’s hand and the floor. He pushes Jooheon away from the fountain, turning off the water spout, and takes the bottle from him. Jooheon stares in shock, not even making eye contact with Changkyun.

Jooheon is friendly and funny and acts a little ditzy around people. He's cute and likes attention, he's as extroverted as someone can get and he's innocent and sweet. He can't handle horror movies and had once told everyone his spirit animal is a dumpling. He doesn't even wear cologne, for Christ's sake—instead he sprays himself with a personally made mix that smells like baby powder. At a first glance, someone would think that _Jooheon_ is the youngest, and not Changkyun. But Changkyun knows Jooheon’s observational abilities are no joke. Changkyun stopped underestimating his best friend a _long_ time ago. Jooheon is a funny attention-seeker, but he's down to earth and pays attention to everything around him, regardless of the situation he's in. He's able to read pretty much everyone; he's the type to pay attention to the smallest things, like the force with which someone used to set down a water bottle and hand gestures when someone is speaking. Jooheon has a natural attentiveness to others; he likes people, and he likes to study them so that he can know them before they even introduce themselves. Seeing his best friend so blank and thoughtless has worry blossoming in Changkyun’s chest like a giant marigold, growing so fast and big all at once it almost chokes him. Changkyun has never seen Jooheon like this before. Sue him if he wants to know what's wrong.

“Jooheon-hyung, are you okay?” Changkyun asks, concern piqued for his friend. “What’s the matter? Did you not sleep well?”

“Ah, no. It’s fine. Don’t worry.” Jooheon snaps out of whatever trance he's in, flashing Changkyun one of the fakest smiles Changkyun has ever seen in his life. “I’m just.. Tired.”

Changkyun cautiously hands Jooheon his water bottle after screwing the lid on for him. He gives Jooheon a swift once over, taking in his appearance. Physically, he looks fine. He was wearing a plain black athletic top that hugs his torso and Adidas pants and his hair, wispy and tangled from on-ice warm ups, falls over his eyes. But his eyes are distant and a little cold, like he wants Changkyun to go somewhere else. Changkyun feels his heart jump, and forces down a lump in his throat.

“Well… just get some more rest tonight, okay?” Changkyun says, forcing himself to relax. 

Jooheon mock salutes him, a weak movement that doesn't have half the energy Changkyun is used to seeing from Jooheon. The older skater turns back towards the rink without a single word, and Changkyun panics.

“Hyung!” He calls, then feels his neck flush when Jooheon turns back around expectantly. “You know you can always talk to me, right?”

Jooheon pauses, watching him carefully. Changkyun gives him a nervous but genuine smile. Jooheon presses his lips together in an almost smile and nods curtly. Then he walks away without giving Changkyun a chance to say anything else.

* * *

Changkyun keeps an eye on Jooheon the entire rest of the day and is, quite frankly, absolutely bewildered by Jooheon's uncharacteristic behavior. Jooheon didn’t talk much to anyone and was short and impatient with who he did talk to. He’d nearly been given fifty situps by Jiyong for snapping at Minhyuk, and Changkyun hasn't been able to shake off the hurt look Minhyuk had thrown Jooheon's direction after he'd stormed off. 

Changkyun has off-ice flexibility training scheduled at two in the afternoon with Minhyuk, Hyungwon and Hoseok, and the three are already in the ballet studio when Changkyun arrives. Hoseok is in pike position on the floor, is Minhyuk practicing his Y-pose on the wall, and is Hyungwon stretching his calves on the mats next to him. They smile when Changkyun enters and sets his stuff down next to Hyungwon’s bag, slipping into his ballet shoes and moving to stretch near the ballet barre.

“Do you know why Jooheon is acting out today?” Hoseok asks, tucking his muscular legs into butterfly position and pushing his knees all the way down to the floor, sighing into the position. Changkyun gives an inward sigh; that had been his question.

“I was hoping either of you might know the answer to that,” Changkyun grunts as he pulls at his hamstrings. Hyungwon shrugs, standing upright.

“You’re his best friend,” Hyungwon replies. “You know him better than the rest of us do.”

It's a fair argument. Really, Changkyun should have expected this question from them.

“I tried to get him to talk to me earlier this morning,” Changkyun explains. “He was filling his water at the fountain and got distracted, I guess, or something. Water overflowed his bottle and spilled everywhere.”

“That’s unlike him,” Minhyuk puts in. Changkyun nods. "I wonder what's up."

“He told me he was just tired.” Changkyun slides down into his left split and winces; he's so close, but still not quite there. Jiyong wants both of his splits down by the end of the season. He needs to stretch more in his free time.

“A likely story,” Hyungwon scoffs. “Maybe leave him alone today. See if anything changes. If it doesn’t, or gets worse, we can try to talk to him again.”

Changkyun thinks that sounds reasonable, but he doesn't get a chance to say so because the door to the studio opens and Jiyong walks in, followed by Jungkook and Namjoon. 

“Okay, boys,” He said. “Let’s work on Biellman positions.”

There's a collective groan from all six boys.

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” Jiyong rolls his eyes, then claps his hands. “Come on, the sooner we get through it the sooner you can go back to the ice. Up, up, let’s go.”

* * *

Changkyun staggers back to the dorms after flexibility training. His mind is set on a warm bath and video games. He’ll go to dinner at some point, he figures, and if he ends up not going, then he’ll try to make something for himself despite the tragically empty refrigerator in his and his roommate Wonwoo's apartment. Byungjoon, a tall, graceful skater from Changwon who's only a few months younger than Changkyun, is already there when he stumbles into the apartment. He's seated on the couch watching something on his laptop, and he looks up when Changkyun falls onto the sofa next to him, sighing in pain. His muscles always feel like they've been through a meat grinder after one of Jiyong's lessons.

“Flexibility training?” Wonwoo states more than asks. 

Changkyun nods.

“With Jiyong?”

He nods again. Wonwoo winces in sympathy.

“Sorry, hyung. Take a bath, that’ll help. I dunno what your plan for dinner is, but we’re out of food. We might have to go back to the arena.” 

Well, that isn't exactly what Changkyun wanted to hear, but he guesses he’ll deal with it. Groaning a thank you, he hauls himself off the couch and wanders towards the bathroom to soothe his aching muscles. Their apartments are barely a block away from the rink, but he's not looking forward to the journey back to the arena now that he's already at home.

Jooheon is also at dinner when Wonwoo and Changkyun walk down together. He eats quietly, however, staring down at his food in that same trance-like state. He doesn't talk to anyone - at least, not voluntarily. Anyone who tries to talk to him doesn't get very far. He responds with one- or two-word answers, or a nod, or a shake of the head. Most people who tried to talk to him got the message fairly quickly and backed off, leaving him to resume eating silently. Changkyun doesn't bother trying to talk to him. He's not sure what else he's supposed to do other than let Jooheon figure this out himself; it's clear Jooheon doesn't want to interact with anyone, let alone him. As he eats he engages himself in conversation with Minhyuk and Jeonghan, mostly as a distraction from Jooheon's behavior. He really just hopes whatever's wrong will clear up soon. It's unsettling, if Changkyun is being perfectly honest, and it shakes Changkyun to his core to see the drastic change in Jooheon.

* * *

A few more days pass and nothing changes. The only thing that does change is the way Jooheon speaks to Changkyun, but it's not in a good way. Not only does Jooheon rarely interact with Changkyun anymore, whenever he does, he's stern and mean and makes it very clear he’d rather not talk to him. 

It hurts. Changkyun isn't going to lie. It's unexpected and painful and Changkyun feels like he’s been dunked in ice water, plunged back into a time when he was a pariah—when he was the one no one wanted to talk to, when he was the cheater. One of his worst recurring nightmares is that Jooheon, the coolest person he's ever met, would realize just how much of a talentless weakling Changkyun really is. As Jooheon’s kindness and friendship with Changkyun drains, Changkyun’s self respect and happiness go with it. Even if his other friends, like Hoseok and Hyungwon and Jungkook and Taehyung and Jimin keep talking to him, treating him normally, it just doesn't feel the same as when he still had Jooheon by his side. 

To make matters worse, the Grand Prix series is coming up and everyone is stressed, and tired, and always, _always_ busy, throwing themselves into their routines and skills and spins and step sequences like their lives depend on it. To them, it does.

Changkyun follows them. With Jooheon suddenly no longer interested in interacting with anyone, and all of his other friends spending more time training than eating and sleeping combined, Changkyun feels he has no choice but to also dive headfirst into preparations for the Grand Prix. He cleans up his axel Jiyong’s help, perfects his signature quad salchow—his favorite jump—and even improves his Biellman position, a feat he's particularly proud of, even though Jooheon suddenly isn't there to celebrate the win with him. He tries not to think about it and instead strengthens his legs and stretches his back, working almost eleven hours a day to perfect his form and his power and his passion.

But he can't get Jooheon out of his head no matter how hard he tries. He misses his best friend, for God’s sake. Jooheon—his first friend, his best friend—is suddenly the one person everyone is too anxious to interact with even if they're not busy. It's gotten to a point where no one can hold a nice conversation. He’d been talked to personally by almost everyone who worked at the rink—Jiyong, Kihyun, Hyunwoo, even Yoongi and Seokjin, who aren't technically his coaches—everyone had tried to get him to open up, each of them with no more luck than the last one who tried. Changkyun’s attempts to talk to him were met with similar results—no one could break his wall. Most people stopped trying.

It hurt Changkyun more than any stretch or fall he may have suffered.

* * *

Changkyun doesn't know if anyone else cares enough about Jooheon’s behavior to find time in their taxing schedules to try to confront him, but Changkyun is getting increasingly more and more bothered by his best friend’s sudden change in personality. It's stressing him to the point that no matter how hard or long he practices, his performance starts to become sloppy, and it pisses Jiyong off. Eventually Jiyong has to pull him aside and tell him to get it together. Changkyun tries not to take it personally—his coach is just as busy and stressed as he is—but Changkyun knows what the real issue is, and he can't let it continue much longer now that it's started to affect his skating. 

Changkyun tries to talk to Jooheon one more time, a little under a week before the Grand Prix placements would be out. Jooheon left in the middle of dinner—which has become the one time of day when all the skaters are able to mingle and relax, at least for a little bit—and Changkyun follows him to the bathroom. He waits until Jooheon exits a stall before entering the washroom, standing in front of the door in a bold attempt to not give Jooheon the chance to escape.

“Jooheon-hyung,” He says to get Jooheon’s attention. The older skater looks up from washing his hands, and his eyes narrow when he makes eye contact with Changkyun.

“What, Changkyun?” He snaps.

Well, even if Changkyun had expected that, it certainly doesn't hurt less. He feels himself flush all the way to the tips of his ears and he ducks his head, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. 

“You haven’t been acting like yourself at all, these last couple of weeks. Are you sure you’re okay?” Changkyun tries to swallow his nervousness. 

“I’m fine. I’m tired.” Jooheon sighs, agitated. "We've had this conversation before."

“It’s okay to be tired,” Changkyun says quickly, not quite sure what else to say or do. Now that he's mustered up the courage to confront him, he's forgotten entirely what he wanted to say. “We keep having this conversation because... Just.. take care of yourself, please? Don’t push yourself too hard, it’s alright to take a break—”

“Oh, this, coming from you?” Jooheon scoffs and his gaze turns into a steely glare, startling Changkyun into silence. “Seriously? Who are you to tell me how to train? You, the one notorious for hurting yourself in an effort to be better than anyone else, telling me to take a break? The Grand Prix is coming up soon, Changkyun, the placements will be posted within the next four days. Don’t tell me to take a break. Leave me alone, Changkyun. Worry about yourself and your quad salchow. For someone who likes his privacy, you’re really bad at giving it to other people.”

His stomach drops to the floor and Changkyun stares, slackjawed, at his best friend, and hurt washes through him like an icy tidal wave. Jooheon gazes back, pain filling his eyes, as if his brain is catching up with his mouth and he can't believe what he'd just said. The more Changkyun stares, the more obvious it is that Jooheon regretted what he’d said immediately after the words left his lips, but the damage has already been done. Changkyun swallows and closes his mouth, looks at the ground before giving Jooheon a weak, shaky smile that probably looks as pathetic and crushed as he feels in that moment.

“Right,” Changkyun says, his voice tight and small so as to not give away the fact that he feels like he might break into tears. “I’ll go, then. Sorry.”

“Changkyun, wait— I—” Jooheon reaches for Changkyu, but Changkyun turns away and pushes out of the bathroom.

Changkyun keeps his head down as he passes the dining hall. His appetite has vanished and all he can focus on is not letting anyone see the tears that are already quickly rolling down his cheeks. He isn't as lucky as he’d hoped, though; his brusque exit from the bathroom and stride towards the ice rink doors catches the attention of pretty much all of his friends.

“Hey, Changkyun, where are you going?” Wonwoo calls from the table. “You haven’t finished eating!” 

“Tired,” Is all Changkyun offers as he tugs his jacket from the rack and slings it around his shoulders, shoving his way through the lobby doors before anyone else has the chance to stop him. He hurries in the direction of the lockers and slips his jacket on as he approaches it. 

It takes him a few minutes to compose himself enough to get his skates on, but once he's safely on the ice, completely by himself in the cold rink, Changkyun lets himself cry. He skates fast laps around the ice, wiping the tears as they come so they don't fall and taint the beautiful blue ice under his blades. The ice has recently been cleared by the zamboni, and watching his blades make grooves and knicks in the smooth, sleek blueness is strangely pacifying. The icy wind bites at his cheeks and makes his already wet eyes water and sting more, but he can feel pressure leaving his body like steam from a teapot the more he cries, so he lets the salty tears trail down his reddening cheeks as he picks up speed, doing anything he can to just clear his mind. 

Jooheon's words had cut his heart. It really hurts. It hurts like hell. 

Sue him if he wants to cry.


	4. Part 4: Kihyun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kihyun struggles watching Jooheon destroy his relationship with Changkyun. Changkyun breaks down. Eomma Kihyun to the rescue.

Kihyun watches the events of the month play out with barely concealed disapproval. When he told Jooheon that he would support whatever decision he made in regards to his feelings for Changkyun, this was absolutely not what he meant.

Kihyun has always been rather observant. He's no Jooheon, but he knows how to read a person when he needs to. He prides himself in his skills to read eyes and body language. He thinks it's made him more empathetic. And Kihyun has always known Changkyun and Jooheon are meant for each other. He’s witnessed their initially shy friendship blossom into something beautiful, a relationship that was truly personal and intimate, and honestly, it was such a pleasure to see them become so close. He felt kind of like he’d raised them when he took the time to think about their personal developments. But he’s always known Changkyun is gay and he’s always known Jooheon loves Changkyun in more ways than one. He just wishes he wasn’t the only one who wasn't blind to the fact.

Watching Jooheon slowly destroy his relationship with Changkyun is tearing Kihyun apart.

The Grand Prix series is rapidly approaching, and assignments will be posted quite soon. Kihyun knows that Jiyong is stressed out, trying to coach and train and teach and also be a helping hand to the managers of the building. It certainly did not help to see one of his best skaters become an outcast among his own teammates. To his credit, Jiyong had tried everyone—talking to all the managers of the building and some other skaters and even Jooheon himself in an effort to find out what the hell was going on, but none of his attempts had gotten him any further than square one.

Kihyun is also at a loss about what to do. Jooheon won't talk to him either. Ever since their last altercation, any attempt Kihyun had made to talk to him had been blown off. Jooheon was be cold and distant during practices, he'd push away anyone’s attempts to talk to him, and eventually he started to outright avoid Changkyun, slipping like an alley cat into the shadows of the rink, darting in and out to ensure their paths only crossed if they absolutely needed to.

To make matters even worse, Jooheon has launched himself into skating at a treacherous pace. Kihyun has seen Jooheon throw himself into borderline dangerous jumps, landing precariously on the back or sides of his blade or sometimes not even landing at all, sending himself skittering across the ice. Kihyun mourned Jiyong's hair, having seen the way Jiyong tugged at it while watching Jooheon skate. Watching Jooheon pull ridiculous jumps that he knows how to land safely but apparently can't be bothered to hits too close to home for Kihyun, adding anger on top of the worry. After all, irrevocably hurting himself in an effort to be a better skater and distract himself is why Kihyun’s professional skating career ended so early. To be permanently sidelined because of an injury that was 1, caused by anger and 2, entirely preventable, is something Kihyun doesn't wish even on the people he hates the most. Kihyun can't even begin to think about how upset he’d be if Jooheon did something so reckless.

“I don’t know what to do,” Kihyun confesses to Hyunwoo, tangled in his husband’s embrace under the safe cover of their comforter. “I’m not sure what his plan is. He’s going to permanently ruin his relationship with Changkyun if he keeps it up.”

Hyunwoo just listens to Kihyun, lazily carding his fingers through his hair. He isn't blind to Jooheon’s behavior either—at this point, no one is. The other skaters are actually becoming scared to interact with him. Hyunwoo has admitted to Kihyun that seeing someone who used to be full of life and spontaneity and happiness turn into someone unpleasant and distant—especially if said person was Jooheon—is one of the worst things in the world to witness, especially since they can't seem to do anything about it. It's like watching bits of his personality be chipped away by a cold and angry pickaxe.

“He’s told me he loves Changkyun,” Kihyun expresses, a little too frustrated and wound up to relax like Hyunwoo seems to be. “Why won’t he act like it?”

“Maybe he’s scared,” Hyunwoo offers. Kihyun scoffs.

“Of what? Changkyun? That kid couldn’t hurt a fly, hyung, and everyone knows it.”

“Maybe he’s scared of being in love,” Hyunwoo says thoughtfully. “Love makes you do crazy things, you know. Take me, for example.”

Kihyun’s sure his smile is visible even in the darkness of their bedroom. “Yeah, well, I don’t see Jooheon breaking his ankle trying to profess his love to Changkyun the way you did.”

“Well, think about it. I only did what I did because I knew for a fact you liked me too. If I had had even the slightest doubt in my mind that you loved me, there is no way I would have even considered climbing that wall. I knew what I wanted to do because I knew what I felt for you was love. Like you said, Jooheon is only _now_ figuring out he's in love with Changkyun, and Jooheon is probably afraid because this likely isn’t anything he’s dealt with before. Remember, his upbringing was hard. He spent practically all of his adolescence and childhood focused on skating. He wasn’t really allowed to be a teenager, or a kid. Just because Jooheon is emotional doesn’t necessarily mean he’s good at dealing with emotions.” Hyunwoo explained.

Kihyun is quiet for a moment, because that _does_ make sense, now that he really thinks about it. It would explain Jooheon’s reaction to being told he should tell Changkyun how he feels. Really, given the extent of Jooheon’s observational tactics, Kihyun had kind of assumed that he was able to tell what Changkyun was thinking. This appears to not be the case, apparently, because Kihyun was quite sure if Jooheon knows how Changkyun really feels about him, the entire scenario would be completely different.

"As much as I understand that you want to fix this, you have to know that this is something Jooheon needs to figure out himself," Hyunwoo murmurs, curling a finger around a lock of Kihyun's hair.

Kihyun sighs; he knows Hyunwoo is right. He lets himself relax, but even as Hyunwoo sleeps peacefully next to him, he lays awake into the wee hours of the night, thinking about it. Jooheon had been Changkyun’s first friend and from there, the two of them eventually got to a point where they were pretty much attached at the hip. It had been a real pleasure to watch Changkyun’s transformation from a shy boy who struggled socially, looked down on by everyone around him, into a stunning young man with true talent and passion for what he did. There's no doubt in Kihyun's mind that Changkyun's blossom from a nervous teenager to a powerful man was influenced greatly by Jooheon, who helped him come out of his shell. Jooheon proved to Changkyun that being afraid didn’t get anyone anywhere, and could only end up being damaging in the long run.

If only Jooheon would take his own advice now.

* * *

Kihyun gets the email for the Grand Prix placements the very next day. 9 of Jiyong and Seokjin's pupils had been selected for the Grand Prix series; all of them had been seeded by the ISU. He grins to himself when he reads the list of skaters who had been seeded: Jooheon, Changkyun, Jimin, Hoseok, Taehyung, Jungkook, Namjoon, Hyungwon, and Minhyuk. _As expected,_ Kihyun thinks proudly. He immediately calls Jiyong and Yoongi to his office, and together they print out nearly three pages worth of information about the Grand Prix.

The three men post the papers in the main lobby of the rink, double checking for problems before making an announcement that the assignments had been sent out and were posted in the lobby. Almost immediately, the doors burst open and a rush of skaters flood from the main rink area into the lobby, nearly tripping over each other in haste to know about the series.

“Okay, okay! Let’s have a line, people, just like last year,” Jiyong shouts above the clamor of excited skaters. “This isn’t anything new, guys, come on. Let’s be civilized. Why are half of you in here, anyway? Only nine of you are competing. I'll call your name if you're competing this season.”

The next fifteen minutes are spent telling each skater where they would be competing in the Grand Prix series. Four of them were competing in only one competition; the other five were competing in two competitions. Taehyung is going to China, Jungkook to France, Namjoon to Japan, Hyungwon to China. Minhyuk is going to America and France, Hoseok to France and Russia, Jimin to America and Canada.

Changkyun shyly approaches Kihyun after Namjoon walks away. Kihyun feels his heart drop when he really notices Changkyun’s complexion. His eyes are red and slightly puffy—it's obvious Changkyun has recently spent time crying. Kihyun decides then and there it's been enough—he needs to talk to Changkyun.

“You’re going to America and Japan,” Kihyun informs Changkyun, who nods mutely, thanks him, and turns to walk away. Kihyun grabs his sleeve and Changkyun turns back, watching with wide, expectant eyes.

“Hey,” Kihyun says lowly, looking straight into Changkyun’s eyes. “Come see me in my office later, okay? After practice. Tell Jiyong I told you to, and if he has any problems he can deal with me.”

Changkyun nods again, his gaze glinting defeat. Kihyun’s heart hurts.

* * *

As it turned out, Jooheon is going to China and Japan. Kihyun had been nervous to find out that both Jooheon and Changkyun were competing in the NHK Trophy. He has no idea what to expect.

He leans on his desk, pondering. Hyunwoo sits in his desk chair, sorting through the Grand Prix assignments. Kihyun honestly doesn't know what the solution to the issue was. He knows if Jooheon doesn't do something soon, he'll risk permanently damaging his relationship with Changkyun—a relationship that has turned more and more personal and intimate over the years. Changkyun likes to pretend he's not the youngest and he's strong and unbothered but he's shy and cared a lot about what people thinks about him, much more so than he let on—and cherishes his closest relationships. Kihyun would know: he's seen Changkyun at his lowest and his highest. What Kihyun hasn't seen is Changkyun after his heart has been broken.

A soft knock tears him from his thoughts and he and Hyunwoo both look up.

“Come in,” Kihyun calls. The door opens, and Changkyun nervously pokes his head into the room.

“Kkukkung,” Hyunwoo stands up and slides the files back into Kihyun’s desk. “Come here. Come sit down.”

“I can sit down in this chair,” Changkyun offers quietly, gesturing to the cushioned chair that sits adjacent from Kihyun’s desk. Immediately, Kihyun notices the change in his behavior. Before, Changkyun would be unafraid to waltz into the room and sit down, but now he's acting like a kicked puppy, and Kihyun doesn't like it one bit. They've worked too hard and Changkyun has made too much personal and social progress to be nervous all the time. Hyunwoo shakes his head and grabs Changkyun’s arm, pulling him to sit at Kihyun’s much more comfortable desk chair.

Kihyun shifts to lean against the left side of the desk, facing Changkyun. Again, he finds himself pausing to take in Changkyun’s appearance. He looks tired, although that isn't anything new. All the skaters look tired. But this is different. His eyes are still slightly red, and there's something in his eyes—something sad, almost broken. Kihyun can tell a lot about Changkyun just from looking into his eyes. Changkyun often keeps his face placid and blank but anyone who cares enough to really look can always tell his true emotions by looking into his eyes. His dark chocolate orbs are cesspools of emotions.

This isn't something Kihyun is going to confront him about. After all, it isn't his fault Jooheon is behaving this way. No way is Kihyun going to just demand Changkyun tell him what he knows, or ask him straight up why Jooheon is acting this way, because Changkyun _wouldn't know._ This situation did not call for that kind of confrontation. Changkyun needed—and deserved—more than that.

“Can I hug you?” Kihyun asks softly.

It's like he's set a bomb off, just with those four words. Or swung a bulldozer through a building that's only standing on its last legs. The dam holding back Changkyun’s feelings breaks. He bursts into tears and Kihyun sweeps the younger man into his arms, holding him close.

Kihyun lets him cry. He feels like Changkyun has been doing that a lot as of recent, but crying is a healthy way to relieve stress and he knows Changkyun knows that. Now that he thinks back on it, every time he'd seen Changkyun up until this point, he'd looked a little closer to breaking every time.

“I’ve been crying too much,” Changkyun sobs. “I hate crying. But I can’t stop. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don't know why Jooheon is acting like this. I wish I knew. I want to fix it.”

Hyunwoo joins the hug, embracing him a little gentler than the way Kihyun is practically clutching Changkyun to his chest. Changkyun keeps crying, letting all of his defenses fall down. Kihyun is equal parts saddened and proud of Changkyun—he knows it's not easy for the boy to let himself cry like this. Jiyong and Yoongi are hard coaches. They don't let the boys cry; they never have. No matter how frustrated or angry they are, the boys are not allowed to cry. They generally agree that having hard days is part of being a professional athlete and that if you fall down, you pick yourself back up. Kihyun is a bit different, though. He wants to be someone the students can come and cry to, he wants to be a shoulder to lean on, he wants to be someone they know they can talk to. Kihyun wishes Changkyun came to him earlier. He's like all the other boys—he has a terrible habit of keeping all of his feelings inside, letting everything build up until the pressure is too great and he has no choice but to let it all out in one big breakdown.

“He yelled at me last night.” Changkyun confesses, choking heavily on a sob. “I tried to talk to him one more time and he told me to leave him alone, and that I was bad at giving people privacy, and that I had no right to tell him to take a break when I guess I’m known for hurting myself in attempts to be better than anyone else. He was probably right, but it hurt. It hurt so much, hyung.”

Hyunwoo and Kihyun share a glance over Changkyun's head. Kihyun knew it was only a matter of time before Jooheon snapped. Changkyun cared a lot about Jooheon and cherished their relationship. It didn’t surprise Kihyun at all that he had tried on multiple occasions to get him to open up. To be so bluntly rejected in such a manner must have broken Changkyun’s heart.

“Kihyun,” Changkyun pulls away, looking at Kihyun with big, watery, red eyes full of such raw emotion. “I love him, Kihyun. I love him. And I can't stop.”

Kihyun pulls Changkyun back into his chest as he breaks down again, heaving heavy sobs that shook his entire body. His breakdown is both emotional and physical; all of his are feelings rolling out of him in loud sobs that sound like they weigh on his body like bricks of gold. All Kihyun can do is hold him tighter.

* * *

“How long have you known?” Kihyun says as Hyunwoo hands Changkyun a tissue. Changkyun sniffles, wiping at his eyes with it.

Changkyun is significantly calmer now, sitting slumped in Kihyun’s desk chair. He’d cried for nearly fifteen minutes and Kihyun had sent Hyunwoo to get a bottle of water, fearful of Changkyun developing a headache. Changkyun cradles the bottle but hasn't open it, instead fiddling mindlessly with the plastic wrapping.

“Almost a year, I think. I realized it after Internationaux de France last year,” He says quietly. “That’s why I didn’t do so well at Rostelecom. I was upset with myself.”

Kihyun makes a sympathetic noise in the back of his throat and pulls Changkyun back into his arms. To Kihyun’s relief, Changkyun lets himself relax into his embrace. Kihyun shares a heartbroken look with Hyunwoo. Changkyun’s worst season had probably been last year’s—he’d finished 4th in France and 9th in Rostelecom, all because of the weight of the thoughs that wore on his mind. Kihyun’s heart hurts for him. He can't really imagine being in Changkyun’s position.

“I don’t know what I did,” Changkyun sighs. “He was fine one day, and then he just… wasn’t.”

“I think Jooheon has a lot on his mind right now,” Kihyun says vaguely, trying to comfort Changkyun but at the same time trying to keep what is definitely not his secret to tell. It isn't like Kihyun can just tell Changkyun why Jooheon was acting out. That would ruin Jooheon’s trust in him and Kihyun knows it's a conversation that Jooheon and Changkyun need to have by themselves.

“Why won’t he talk to me about it?” Changkyun asks, sounding crushed. “I’m his best friend. Or, I thought I was. I just don’t understand. I had to have done something. He wouldn’t be acting like this otherwise. He told me he trusts me and that I’m his closest friend. What did I do wrong?”

“I don’t think it was anything you did, Kkukkungie, I really don’t,” Kihyun soothes. “Just give him time, Kkukkung.”

“I did give him time,” Changkyun whispers, voice shaking. Tears start welling up in his eyes again and he wipes at them furiously. “It’s been almost a month. Maybe he just.. Doesn’t like me anymore. Maybe he’s just decided he doesn’t want to be my friend. But I don’t know what I’d do without him. I’ve forced myself to become content in just being his closest friend because I know nothing more will ever come from our relationship. I was so used to being his best friend and now he doesn’t like me and I don’t know what to do. I’m so lost.”

Kihyun bites the inside of his cheek so hard he tastes metal. Jooheon has to fix this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so for anyone who is confused, selections for the Grand Prix are done either by seeding or by individual invitations. Seeding basically means that a skater is selected to compete based on where they stand internationally and if they placed 1-12 in the World Championships. If a skater placed between 1 - 24 in Worlds, they would be seeded and guaranteed only 1 spot in the Grand Prix. If a skater placed between 1-12 in Worlds, they would be seeded and guaranteed to compete in 2 spots in the Grand Prix. Where they are chosen to compete is based on a draw. Individual invitations would usually be done by a hosting country, meaning one of the 6 countries where competitions are held can invite a skater who wasn't seeded to compete. (In real life, each country can invite up to 3 of their own skaters but since Korea doesn't hold any of the Grand Prix competitions that doesn't matter here, hence why none of the skaters in this story were invited.) Let me know if you have other questions, and you can also read more about it on Wikipedia, because it can be a little confusing. And if I've gotten any of it wrong, please let me know!


	5. Part 5: Jooheon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jooheon competes in the Cup of China. He thinks a lot before and after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I keep extending the chapters, this story ended up being a lot longer than I initially planned. I hope you're enjoying it regardless!

Jooheon can't believe he’d yelled at Changkyun like that. He knows Changkyun only wanted to help. He cared about him. Changkyun hasn't done anything to deserve how Jooheon has been treating him and Jooheon can still see the exact moment Changkyun’s heart shattered and it's a moment that will always stay in Jooheon's head. Jooheon has seen Changkyun at his lowest and his highest, but he doesn't think anything can or will top the way Changkyun’s eyes filled with tears and hurt and disbelief. It had hurt Jooheon to see Changkyun at his lowest but being the _cause_ of his pain.. It had winded Jooheon, leaving him feeling like someone had kicked him hard in the chest and all he could do was stare after Changkyun as the younger skater ran from the bathroom.

Wonwoo had approached Jooheon shyly after he'd walked back into the dining room, asking in a small, timid voice if he knew why Changkyun had fled the lobby in the direction of the rink. Jooheon hadn’t been able to do much more than shake his head. Wonwoo had only nodded before slinking away, and he's Yoongi's student, so Jooheon doesn't know him well, but Jooheon hadn't missed the disdain in his black eyes. Wonwoo could hide his feelings skillfully, but not enough for Jooheon to miss it.

He'd looked around him then, standing in the threshold to the lobby where everyone was eating and hanging out, and he'd noticed that no one was looking at him—in fact, some of them were pointedly ignoring him, actively avoiding looking him in the face. That was the moment that Jooheon realized what his behavior had done. He'd gone back to his bedroom and cried for hours as he'd begun to recognize that the other skaters were _scared_ to interact with him. He’d gotten so swept up in the sea of his thoughts, drowning himself in the feelings and emotions he was scared to deal with, that he'd started to marginalize his friends, his team members. He prided himself on being a source of happiness for his team, and now none of them could look him in the eye. How could he let himself do that?

Jooheon is scared. He’s never felt this way about anyone; he'd never felt his heart speed up when he looked at someone, he'd never wanted to kiss someone the way he wants to kiss Changkyun. In the past, he'd never had the time or the energy to think about being in love. His whole life, he’d been dedicated to skating and school and when he moved to Seoul to train with Jiyong, he had to learn how to socialize, how to be a friend, how to love people and how to hate people. At the tender age of 13 he’d forced himself to learn to read people. He'd spent so much time paying attention to the body language and emotions and feelings of others that he'd never taken the time to learn about himself.

The more he thinks about it, the more aware he becomes of just how strong and how deep his love for Changkyun runs, and how long he's felt that way but been either unable to identify it or unwilling to deal with it. He can't believe he's been so blind—blind to his own feelings and blind to his actions.

Jooheon considers calling Kihyun but he has no idea what to say or do. His fingers hover over Kihyun’s contact for what feel like hours before he chucks his phone across the room. He throws his phone because he's in love with Changkyun and he has no idea what he's supposed to do now that he’s probably ruined everything they’ve ever had. The weight of knowing what he’s done to himself, to Changkyun, to the other skaters, is _crushing_ and Jooheon is all by himself that night, shaking through a minor panic attack completely on his own. The guilt weighs so heavily on his chest he thinks he might suffocate.

He paces around his room, he lays face down on his bed, he takes a shower and he opens the window, just thinking, thinking, thinking. He decides he’ll apologize even if he won't be forgiven. He’ll tell Changkyun he hadn't mean to yell or marginalize him and he’ll tell him the truth, because Changkyun is his best friend and quite possibly the love of his life and he doesn't deserve anything Jooheon has put him through and he does deserve to know the truth. The least Jooheon can do was make Changkyun aware he regrets all of it.

Unfortunately, as it turns out, Changkyun leaves for America before Jooheon has the chance to talk to him. It had taken Jooheon all night to muster up the courage and think about what he’d say, and he's crushed. He finds out from Kihyun, who stares him down when he approaches and asks him where Changkyun was.

"He left with Jiyong and the others for America this morning," Kihyun says, looking at Jooheon with a variety of emotions swirling in those eyes of his. Pain, disappointment, hope, sadness. "He told me what you said. A few nights ago, he came to my office. He needs you, Jooheon, just like you need him."

Jooheon keeps quiet, because what is he supposed to say to that? Kihyun isn't the one who he needs to apologize to. Jooheon nods and stands, turning to go back into the main rink.

“He’ll appreciate an apology, Jooheon. Go to him. You need to talk to him the next chance you get,” Kihyun had called after him as he walked away, his tail between his legs. Jooheon didn’t reply. He knows that already.

* * *

Skate America happens ten nights later. Jooheon watches the whole performance. He tries to cheer for his other teammates but he's unable to take his eyes off of Changkyun. He and the rest of the team are huddled around the television in the lobby and Jooheon stares at his best friend and he watches to see if Changkyun will let the emotional toll he'd taken affect his skating.

To give him credit, Changkyun is excellent at keeping a mask up. Only the people who are truly close to him can tell if anything's wrong. He holds all of his emotions in his eyes, and that's where Jooheon looked. During the press conference before the competition, the only thing Jooheon was focused on was Changkyun's eyes and he could see the pain, clear as day. It makes Jooheon feel sick, knowing Changkyun is hurting so badly before a major competition. He's rarely worried about Changkyun's performance, but right now, he's scared for Changkyun.

And yet, Changkyun places second. He scores a personal best of 95.45 in the short program, and combined with his free skate score of a whopping 182.37, he takes silver with a total of 277.82. He nails his trademark quad sal, his spins are stunning, his dance sequences are absolutely perfect—all of that, despite the ache Jooheon knows plagues his heart. Changkyun manages to skate so beautifully despite the hurt that had been thrumming under his skin and Jooheon is absolutely floored. Changkyun has always been more emotional than he let on. Watching Changkyun push aside his heartache and skate like no one is watching even when _everyone_ is watching is completely new to Jooheon. He stands on the second highest podium after the competition is over, the silver medal glinting from where it rests on his sternum, and his head is high and he waves to the audience with a bright smile. 

Jooheon isn't used to that. It makes him wonder if Changkyun is growing up. Or maybe it means Changkyun has begun to blossom without Jooheon at his side.

Jooheon's chest constricts at the thought.

* * *

Two weeks later, the same day as the Internationaux de France, Jooheon leaves for China. Jiyong usually has his skaters go to their respective host federations at least a week before every competition, wanting to give the skaters more time to get used to the arena. The flight is uneventful; it's only Taehyung, Hyungwon, and Jooheon flying to Chongqing Jiangbei International Airport, where they'll meet Jiyong the next day after he flies into the same airport from France.

Just as the three of them reach their hotel rooms in Chongqing, they receive the report that Minhyuk had finished in first in the Internationaux de France, and Wonho had placed second. Jungkook had ended in third place, his bunny grin turning his cheeks pink as he posed with his bronze medal in his first senior competition. Jiyong had been exceptionally pleased with how the South Korean team had swept the podium in France, Jooheon learns, after Minhyuk calls him in an intoxicated haze to describe how Jiyong had taken the team out to a party after the medal ceremony.

Jooheon appreciates the phone call. Listening to Minhyuk ramble drunkenly about winning and how good kissing the gold medal had felt makes Jooheon feel better than he has in awhile. He's truly happy for the success of his friends. It gives him something else to think about, something to make him feel more like he's walking on air instead of being sucked under the current of his raging thoughts. He watches the performance on YouTube as he talks to Minhyuk on the phone. He tells Minhyuk that he's proud of his performance—and he really is. Minhyuk’s quad loop-triple toe loop combination was absolutely perfect. He deserved the gold medal with that performance.

He talks to Wonho, too, even though Wonho is just as drunk and Jooheon has a hard time trying to decipher what exactly the older man is saying. Something about Hyungwon and how much he loves him. Jooheon smirks knowingly to himself. 

“You’ll do amazing in Chongqing, Jooheonney!” Minhyuk yells suddenly, catching Jooheon completely off guard as he snatches his phone back from Wonho. “Don’t think about anything else. Just the skating. It's just about the skating. You’re an amazing skater, Jooheon, show them what you’ve got! I know you’ve been kinda sad or something recently but Jooheon, you’re so great. Don’t think, just skate. Perform like it’s the last show you’ll give the world.”

Something stirs in Jooheon’s chest.

“Okay,” He says slowly. “Okay. I will.”

* * *

Six days later is the Cup of China. Jooheon arrives early at the arena with Hyungwon and Taehyung—they're the only South Korean skaters competing in Chongqing, and they've practically glued themselves together. Jooheon has his earbuds in, music pumping softly into his ears as he and the other two boys warm up and stretch. He’d woken up feeling stronger than he had in a little while, determination and adrenaline flowing through his veins. Talking to Minhyuk and Wonho a few days ago had sparked something in his heart.

_“Perform like it’s the last show you’ll give the world,”_ Minhyuk had said. He's right, Jooheon decides.

Right now, it's about the skating.

“Jooheon, show me your Biellmann,” Jiyong barks.

Jooheon does so, pulling his left leg above his head, stretching himself as far as he can. Jiyong nodded, satisfied, and turns to push down Taehyung’s middle split, ignoring the younger skater’s yells of pain and protest.

Hyungwon and Taehyung have also been affected by Jooheon’s change in personality. Everyone has. Jooheon knows that, now that he's pulled his head out of the ground and looked around at the damage he's done. He wants to fix it. He wants to go back to the way things were before he realized he loved his best friend. He’s already asked Taehyung and Hyungwon to hang out with him after the medal ceremony, regardless of if any of them medal, and both of them agreed easily. He doesn't miss the surprised but pleased look the two of them share after Jooheon smiles what feels like the first real smile in weeks and returns to stretching.

_Rome wasn’t built in a day,_ Jooheon told himself. _I broke something but I’ll fix it. It may take a bit but I will fix everything._

Hyungwon goes first in the short program. He pops his quadruple loop but other than that, his performance is stunning. Taehyung skates fourth, landing every jump, and Jooheon skates seventh. The competition is strong. After the short program, Jooheon is in first with 90.34 points and Hyungwon is in second with 88.61. Taehyung rests in fifth with 78.64. Because Jooheon is in first, he's skating last in the free skate. He's pleased with his short program performance—if he had to admit, the quad toe loop he threw was technically flawless—but he always hates having to wait before doing the free skate. It gives him more time to think, and he doesn't want to think.

He just wants to skate.

Taehyung falls on his triple lutz-triple toe combination in the free skate and is understandably angry with himself when he gets off the ice. The fall had been hard—he’d cut two of his fingers on the sharp ice his blade kicked up and he sits off to the side after he gets his score, sulking with a paper towel wrapped around his hand. He seems to appreciate Jooheon’s silent hug of encouragement, however, and gives the older man a soft smile of gratitude.

Instead of stretching and going through his step sequence while Hyungwon performs, Jooheon watches him skate, which is something he rarely does. He flashed the older skater an encouraging smile when he took the ice, and Hyungwon returned it despite looking a little surprised to see him watching.

Hyungwon’s music is faster than Jooheon is used to seeing him skate to. It's jovial and peppy and Hyungwon skates beautifully to it. Hyungwon doesn't really have the best jumping technique, so his jumps were usually hit or miss, but he's known for his flawless step sequences and complex footwork. The choreography Jiyong and Hyunwoo had designed for the piece of music Hyungwon is skating to is quirky and complicated and Hyungwon executes it without a single flaw.

Hyungwon scores a personal best of 176.25 in the free program, and nearly collapses into tears at the Kiss & Cry upon receiving his score. He's in first now, with a total of 264.86. Jooheon screams and cheers for his friend, Taehyung next to him rivaling his excitement. Hyungwon lets Jooheon and Taehyung hug him when he finally steps off the Kiss & Cry platform, and his eyes are sparkling with tears of relief.

“I’m so proud of you!” Jooheon coos, and grins so wide his cheeks ached. Hyungwon laughs wetly and hugs him again.

“I’m glad you’re back,” Hyungwon whispers into his ear, and Jooheon freezes in Hyungwon's arms. “I missed you.”

“I’m glad I’m back too,” Jooheon says after a minute. Hyungwon pulls away and fixes him with a stern look.

“Go out there and break your record,” Hyungwon orders. Jooheon gives a shaky laugh and a mock salute.

The time between Hyungwon's performance and Jooheon's passes in a blur and soon enough, Jooheon hands his blade guards to Jiyong, who takes them and grips his hand tightly. He's staring at him with an intense expression, staring deeply into Jooheon's eyes.

“Jooheon,” He says, his voice low and serious. “I don’t know what's happened this past month with you, but I’m glad you’re back. Your short program was technically perfect. I want to see that Jooheon again. We can talk about things if you want to later, but for now, skate like your life depends on it, Heonney. Skate now, think later. I believe in you.”

Jooheon nods, lips pressed into a determined line. He shakes Jiyong’s hand, a single, strong, curt shake, then pushes off the wall as the announcer calls his name, the loud voice reverberating throughout the huge arena.

“First after the short program and the final skater of the free skate, from South Korea, Lee Jooheon!”

Cheers and applause erupt all around him and he raises his arms before skating to his starting position. Slowly the sound around him fades and then it's just him. It's just him and the ice. He took a deep breath, and then the first chords of the music played.

The first thirty seconds of his routine go smoothly, but the first jump he has planned is a quadruple flip and he lands on the back of his blade and has to fight to stick it. He groans internally.

_Shake it off, Lee Jooheon,_ He scolds himself. _The show must go on._

He really should have put chapstick on before skating. His lips hurt, but eventually he stops feeling it. The adrenaline is finally doing its job, combating the cruel, icy air that stings his face and numbing his whole body aside from the strength and passion that burned in his chest. With adrenaline flowing through his veins and his head empty of all thoughts, he skates like nothing else mattered.

His quad toe loop-triple toe loop combination is perfect, as is his flying camel spin. He staggers a little on the landing of his triple axel-triple toe combination but made up for it with a flawless execution of his quadruple salchow-triple toe. He feels like electricity is crackling and tingling underneath his skin, flushing like lightning through his veins, stretching to the top of his head, the tips of his fingers, the bottoms of his feet.

The music ends. He reaches one arm to the stars, breathless.

He takes the gold medal in China with a total score of 270.62, beating his personal record.

* * *

Rostelecom could have gone better, in Jooheon’s honest opinion. While Changkyun took silver in America, Jimin snatched gold in Canada, South Koreans swept the podium in France, and Jooheon and Hyungwon took gold and silver respectively in China, Wonho is the only South Korean skater to medal in Russia, taking 3rd. Of Jiyong’s team of 9, only Wonho, Minhyuk, and Jimin have qualified for the Grand Prix final. Hopefully Jooheon and Changkyun will change that in Sapporo, in the NHK Trophy. Not just for Jiyong's team, but for himself. He wants to compete against Changkyun. He wants to see Changkyun do better than him. He wants to put up a fight and he wants to see Changkyun win.

Jooheon's plane has just touched down in Japan, where he’ll meet up with Changkyun and Namjoon for the final competition before the finals. He's shaking in his shoes; he's shaking from nerves, from sleep deprivation, from anxiety.

Jooheon had spent hours the previous night rehearsing what he was going to say to Changkyun, rewording his apology over and over again. But none of it sounded right because Changkyun deserves more than just an apology. Jooheon had never felt so helpless. Hyungwon, who had been sharing a hotel room with Jooheon, had been clueless, but definitely worried. He'd tried gently to get Jooheon to open up to him but Jooheon kept refusing, repeatedly telling him to wait until after the Grand Prix Final.

“Jooheonney, I want to help,” Hyungwon had begged. Jooheon had swallowed fiercely against the lump in his throat. “You’ve been acting so weird recently. Everyone’s worried about you. Please tell me what happened.”

“I can’t. Not right now. Just wait, hyung,” He’d said weakly. “I’ll fix everything. Please just wait.”

Eventually Hyungwon let it go, and gone to bed. Jooheon had stayed awake another three hours.

But Hyungwon had pulled him into a crushing hug when the three of them arrived at Chongqing airport the next morning. Because they hadn't qualified for the finals, Hyungwon and Taehyung had had to go back to Korea. Jooheon had been originally going to go to Japan with Jiyong, but an emergency back at home had had Jiyong flying back to Korea for a day. Jooheon would fly by himself to Japan, and Jiyong would come with Seokjin from Seoul the next day.

“I trust you, Jooheon,” Hyungwon had whispered. “Do what you need to do. I don’t know what happened but I’m in your corner. I’m glad you’re back, Heonney.”

Jooheon had thanked him and promised him he’d make things right.

And how he's here, in Japan, standing by the baggage claim, waiting for a text from Namjoon. Or Changkyun. But probably Namjoon.

(Part of him hopes it'll be Changkyun. A bigger part of him knows it won't be.)


	6. Part 6: Jooheon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jooheon and Changkyun reunite in Sapporo, Japan for the NHK Trophy. Jooheon fully intends to apologize and make things right. But life doesn't give a shit about your plans.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this story is turning out to be so long, I promise it will be over soon! This chapter is probably the longest of all of them.
> 
> Also, in case anyone's curious, Kihyun and Yoongi are managers of the home rink in Seoul, and Yoongi is also a coach. J-Hope and Hyunwoo are dance choreographers, not skaters. Yoongi, Jiyong and Seokjin are coaches. They skated internationally against each other and once Jiyong opened the rink, he invited Yoongi and Seokjin to coach with him.
> 
> Slight trigger warning for blood and/or injury in this chapter. Things get a little bit serious.

To Jooheon’s complete shock, it actually is Changkyun who texts him. It's a short message. A simple,

_We just landed._

And that's it. Jooheon stared at the grey text bubble. And then another one comes in.

_Are you at the baggage claim?_

There are so many things Jooheon almost types in that moment.

_I’m sorry._

_I never meant to hurt you._

_Please forgive me._

_Please let me explain._

_I love you._

But all he types in response is,

_Yes_

And then he stuffs his phone back into his pocket and waits. In retrospect, he probably should have expected Changkyun to text him because Jooheon is quite sure Namjoon doesn't have his phone number. Jooheon looks around himself, trying to think about anything but texting Changkyun. Jooheon knows if he keeps looking at his phone he'll go back through previous text conversations with Changkyun and he really, really doesn't want to reread them. Over the course of the last two, almost three months the only one who had been sending texts had been Changkyun. He used send messages at any time of day, in the morning, in the afternoon, in the evening, even in the middle of the night. Each message asked Jooheon what was going on, what was wrong, what he could do to help. Each message was a little more desperate than the previous.

The last text message Changkyun had sent, almost four weeks ago, right before Jooheon had yelled at him in the bathroom, read _I don't know if you're seeing these, or you're seeing them and just don't care, but please talk to me. I'm your friend, Jooheon. I want to help you. Please let me in._

And then.. nothing. For a month and a half, nothing else was traded over text. Jooheon had never replied to any of the messages Changkyun sent to him, not one. The longer Jooheon looks at his phone, the longer he knows those unanswered pleas are there, and he'll read them, and then reread them, and then reread them again. And it'll spiral into a mindset he's been fighting so hard to keep himself out of.

He just wants to talk to Changkyun. The sooner he can do that, the better.

"Jooheon!"

Jooheon snaps his gaze up. Namjoon is approaching him, a gentle smile on his face. He looks tired. Jooheon doesn't blame him—plane trips are taxing on anyone. He has a carryon slung over his back and a smaller suitcase in his left hand. Changkyun trails behind him, wrapped in a scarf and thick puffy jacket, dragging his suitcase. The scarf rests over Changkyun’s nose, so all Jooheon can see is his eyes, but Jooheon can tell a lot by looking at Changkyun’s eyes.

They make eye contact for maybe one second. And then Changkyun looks at the floor. Jooheon bites his cheek.

Everything he wants to say is resting at the tip of his tongue. It takes every ounce of self control in Jooheon’s body to not throw himself at Changkyun and burst into tears, apologizing over and over until he can make Changkyun understand how sorry he is, how much he loves him, how much he needs him.

“Do you guys have everything?” Is what Jooheon asks instead, swallowing thickly. Namjoon nods coolly.

“We just need to get our skate stuff from the baggage claim,” He replies. Jooheon nods and the three of them begin to make their way to the claim next to the gate.

Twenty minutes later Namjoon has hailed a taxi and they're on their way to the hotel. Jooheon and Changkyun sit in the back together.

At some point Changkyun puts his earbuds in and turned away from Jooheon, instead opting to bob his head gently to whatever he's listening to and focus on the darkness of Sapporo instead. It's a stunning city, similar to Tokyo except way smaller and much, much colder because it's in Hokkaido, the northernmost part of the beautiful archipelago.

Jooheon shifts to look out his window, too. Lights from the variety of tall and short, thin and wide buildings whiz by, twinkling and flashing in a way that rival the stars in the sky. All the colors of the rainbow dance across Jooheon’s line of sight, darting in and out and back and forth and chasing each other around like playful butterflies or leaves fluttering frantically in the wake of a strong gust of wind. Jooheon gets lost in it, allowing himself to float around in his own little universe, drifting through his tiny corner of the world where everything is perfect and bright and flawless, if only for just a minute.

Jooheon lets his guard down for a split second and his hand falls to his side. But instead of hitting the smooth fabric of the seat it lands on something warm and fleshy and he knows instantly it's Changkyun’s hand.

Changkyun flinches as though Jooheon had burned him.

“A-ah, I’m sorry, hyung,” He stutters, so quietly Jooheon takes a second to register what he’s said. By then, Changkyun has already pulled his hand away and has returned to looking out his window.

They're sitting right next to each other but in that moment, Jooheon doesn't think they're further apart.

* * *

Changkyun vanishes into his hotel room the moment they arrive at the building. Namjoon stays to bid Jooheon a good night, but lingers a moment outside his room.

“Ah, Jooheon-ah… I know we’ve not really been the closest, but I wish you luck. I, uh, have seen these last months be hard on you. I hope you know you have the rest of us in your corner.” He smiles a weak but true smile and nods his head. “Goodnight. Get some rest.”

And then he's gone. Jooheon allows a small smile to come to his lips despite himself.

He stumbles into his hotel room and plops onto the bed, which is pleasantly comfortable. Jiyong will be arriving with Seokjin in Sapporo from Seoul early the next morning and he'll probably expect to meet Jooheon, Namjoon, and Changkyun at the venue so they could start practice as soon as possible. As he lets himself sink into the mattress, the more exhausted he realizes he is. He changes his clothes, brushes his teeth, and is asleep before his head hits the pillow.

* * *

Practice over the next five days flies by. Jooheon perfects his Biellmann—he's almost a needle now, and he has to admit, he enjoys being among the more flexible male skaters in the world—while Changkyun focuses mainly on his jumps and Namjoon exercises his step sequences. Changkyun has a very nice Biellmann position too. They're relatively rare in men’s skating, just because of the sheer amount of flexibility it takes to be able to hold that position. Skaters like Namjoon and Hyungwon can really only manage half Biellmann spins—their bodies just aren't trained for that level of elasticity. It takes years and years of intensive training to nail the position.

To Jooheon’s surprise, Jiyong cuts back on the amount of training he’d normally give them before a competition. They only work a few hours a day, usually stretching and doing muscle training in the mornings and then doing actual skating around lunchtime before he'll cut them loose and let them do their own thing. When asked why, Jiyong replies that he and Seokjin have done research and decided to tweak their coaching methods a tad, focusing particularly on training done before a competition. According to several sources, the best performances tended to reflect relaxation and less training leading up to the event. Jiyong and Seokjin—along with Hyunwoo, apparently—have constructed a training schedule for that week specifically, carefully planning what would be trained and when and giving them more and more time off as the day of the competition creeps steadily closer.

While Jooheon greatly appreciates this nice surprise, it comes with the cost of restlessness. He tries his best to relax but eventually he feels the need to stimulate himself, so he’ll either go for a run or go to the dance studio and stretch or go to the closest rink and just skate lazy laps around the ice, letting his mind wander wherever it wanted to go.

Usually he thinks about Changkyun. He often wonders what the younger is doing. He’d passed Changkyun’s room on his way to his own one night after going for a jog and heard him on the phone with someone—his parents, maybe—but aside from that and during morning practice, they don't even see each other, let alone interact.

Jooheon has already decided to try to talk to him after the NHK Trophy, for a couple of reasons. For starters, he really has no idea what kind of reaction he'll get from Changkyun and realized he’ll probably perform better if he didn’t have something like a rejection weighing on his mind. Secondly, he doesn't feel it would be fair to do that to Changkyun either. It's Changkyun’s competition, too. He wants to win just as badly as Jooheon does. Jooheon has taken Jiyong’s and Minhyuk’s advice to heart—skate now, think later. And that was what he intends to do.

Except this proves to be a problem because now that Jooheon has formed some basic plan of what to say to Changkyun and when to approach him, in addition to free time that he hadn’t been expected to be given, he begins to overthink things, worrying about saying something wrong or not properly apologizing or, worst of all, Changkyun completely rejecting his apology and his feelings. Jiyong doesn't want him to skate or go to the gym or stretch but honestly, Jooheon has no idea how else to distract himself.

Two nights before the competition it becomes too much and Jooheon acts on a whim. He calls Hyungwon.

“Heonney?” Hyungwon asks, sounding surprised. “Everything okay?”

Jooheon sucks in a shaky breath and paused, glancing at the hotel room door before deciding to move and sit in the bathroom for a little bit more privacy.

“Can I tell you something, hyung?” He asks as he shut the door to the bathroom, acutely aware of how his voice trembles.

“Absolutely, Jooheon.” Hyungwon’s voice leaves no room for disagreement or argument. “You can tell me anything.”

And so he does. Jooheon breaks. He lets everything out; he tells Hyungwon everything: he tells him how he felt after seeing Changkyun’s performance for the first time and why he'd shunned Changkyun and how that had turned into shunning everyone else. He tells Hyungwon about snapping at Changkyun a few nights before Changkyun was scheduled to leave for Skate America and he tells Hyungwon about the guilt that had weighed on his shoulders ever since. He confesses to Hyungwon how much he loves Changkyun and how he thinks Changkyun probably hates him now, and how he plans to apologize but is just so afraid of what could happen as a result. Everything he’s been keeping to himself pours out of him, spills out of his mouth in a jumbled, emotional mess of tears he’s been fighting back for so long.

He's winded when he's finally finished but _God_, it feels so nice to tell someone. The pressure on his chest and stomach isn't completely gone but it's alleviated to some degree just because someone else _knows._ Someone else had listened to him and understood him.

“Heonney,” Hyungwon says slowly. “Thank you for telling me. I know that had to have been hard for you. Just take a deep breath, okay? Just breathe for a little bit.”

He obeys Hyungwon, blowing his nose with a tissue and sitting back against the bathroom sink and just breathing. He focuses on the patterns of his breathing, paying close attention to the timing of his inhales and exhales.

“Gosh, Jooheon-ah,” Hyungwon says after a little bit of silence. “I… I don't really know what to say. I had no idea this was happening.”

“It’s alright,” Jooheon mumbles. “You don’t have to say anything. I really.. Just needed someone else to hear it. I guess these past few weeks have been hard because I’ve just been.. always on the verge of falling apart. Like I’ve just been teetering on the edge of a breakdown for nearly a month. It feels good to finally have it and talk to someone else, I guess.”

“Mmm,” Hyungwon hums. “It's good to get it out of your system. I understand that. You said you already have a plan? Like how you’re going to apologize?”

“Yeah.” Jooheon breathes. “It’s just.. Jiyong gave us a lot more time off than I was planning for because I guess he doesn’t want us to burn ourselves out before the actual competition. With all the free time I suddenly have I’ve been overthinking every little detail about it. I- fuck, hyung, I love Changkyun. I.. even if he doesn’t accept my apology I just want him to know that I love him, as a friend and more than that. I just want him to know.”

“Yeah.” Hyungwon hums again. “Just tell him that, then. Changkyun... is empathetic. He’ll understand. We both know that about him. He’s a good person, Jooheon, and you are too.”

Jooheon nods, feeling a lot better and calmer.

“Thank you,” Jooheon says shyly. There was a soft chuckle on the other end of the line.

“Anytime, Heonney,” Hyungwon murmurs. “Your relationship with Changkyun is something really special. You were his first true friend, really. You extending your hand to him pulled him out of a dark place. Watching your bond grow stronger and more complex and personal has been really, like… nice. I’ve loved seeing your friendship blossom.”

Jooheon knows what he and Changkyun have is a relationship so beautiful and complex and personal. He'd only truly realized it after he started pushing Changkyun away and forced himself to come to terms with the emptiness he felt. Only then did he truly understand how special Changkyun was to him. Jooheon cherishes Changkyun. He really, really does. His first true friend, his best friend, his first true love. Changkyun is special to Jooheon in a way no one else is. He voices this aloud to Hyungwon.

“I know,” Hyungwon says simply, and Jooheon can hear the smile in his voice. “I know.”

They hang up. Jooheon’s thoughts are slower now, no longer a raging whirlpool in the sea that was his head. He decides then and there that he’ll do whatever it took to rekindle his friendship with Changkyun. He's too important for him to lose.

* * *

It was nearing eleven o’clock in the morning, the day before the competition, and the five of them are in the dance room at the venue, Namjoon working on his splits, Changkyun stretching his pike, and Jooheon easing knots out of his back. They’ve only been stretching for an hour when Jiyong clapped his hands together to get their attention.

“Okay, boys,” He says loudly. “I want you guys to relax today. You three have worked so hard this week. Take the rest of today off and do some sightseeing. Call your parents or your friends. Do your pre-competition rituals. Just relax, okay? Let me or Seokjin know if you need anything. We’re here to listen and talk. Now just chill, alright?”

Namjoon winces as Seokjin finally lets him up and out of his split position, which has gotten significantly lower since the last time Jooheon had seen it. Changkyun stands, collecting his things and leaving the dance room first after giving a respectful bow to Seokjin and Jiyong. Namjoon follows him, saying thank you to their coaches before pulling his earbuds out so he can get lost in his music.

Jooheon is last, peeling himself up from where he's stretching his back on the floor. He gathers his bag and turns to leave, deciding he'd go to the rink for a little bit and do simple things, like single jumps and scratch spins.

“Jooheon,” Jiyong calls just as Jooheon is about to leave. “Stay back a sec, okay?”

Or not.

“Yes, coach?” Jooheon turns back to Jiyong, who gives him a weary once over.

“I’m giving you one last chance, kid,” Jiyong begins slowly. “And you don’t have to tell me. I’ll stop bothering you after this. Do you want to tell me what’s been going on in that head of yours? Why you and Changkyun aren’t as close anymore?”

For a split second, Jooheon truly contemplates telling him. But he decides against it and flashes his coach a bright smile instead, and watches as Jiyong's face relaxes at the sight of his smile.

“I’m alright. I’m gonna fix it,” He says simply. Jiyong arches an eyebrow, exasperated, but returns the smile. It was a little tight, a little forced.

“I don’t know what you mean by ‘fix it’ but I trust you, kid.” Jiyong says, running his hand through his hair. “Alright, go. Just go relax.”

Jooheon bows to him in thanks and does as he's been told.

* * *

Competition day is finally on them. He and Namjoon had been part of the first warmup group before the short program, and Changkyun had been in the second warmup group. The short program ended up going smoother than Jooheon expected. With his score of 91.23, he'd finished third after the program. A skater from Italy was in second with a score of 92.68, and Changkyun was in first place after nailing a stunning quadruple flip-triple toe loop combination and sealing the deal with a flawless death drop; his score totaled to 95.45, his personal best. Namjoon placed fifth.

With his earbuds in and the volume almost all the way up, Jooheon paces around, jumps on the balls of his toes, pulls at his hamstrings and calves, just doing anything he can to keep his body stimulated. It's easy for him to get anxious if he doesn't move around a lot. Jiyong watches him with exasperation but Jooheon isn't blind to the fondness in the older man's eyes either.

Jooheon and Namjoon will both be skating in the first group for the free skate, meaning they're warming up first. Jooheon pulls out his earbuds and Namjoon stands as Jiyong approaches them, the expression on his face telling them it's time to go. They follow him to the edge of the rink.

"Hyungs," Changkyun's small voice call from behind Jooheon and he turns sharply along with Namjoon. Changkyun gives them an easy, nervous smile. "Good luck. I believe in you."

"Thank you, Changkyun-ah," Namjoon says, smiling appreciatively before turning to catch up to Jiyong. Jooheon holds eye contact with Changkyun for a small moment.

"Thanks, Kyun," He says softly. Changkyun's smile falls a little.

"Jooheon!" Jiyong yells from ahead.

"See you after, okay?" Jooheon says gently. Changkyun nods. Then Jooheon turns and jogs after Namjoon.

* * *

Eventually the free skate begins. Namjoon is scheduled to skate first; Jooheon has a long time to wait before it's his turn. The judges call Namjoon's quad toe loop as underrotated and he falls on his triple lutz-triple toe loop combination, but otherwise his performance is impressive. His face is a mixture of anger and disappointment as he steps off the ice.

"I can't believe I did that," He grumbles as Jiyong claps him on the back encouragingly and Jooheon flashes a small smile. Namjoon slips his blade covers onto his skates and he and Jiyong make their way to the Kiss & Cry.

Jooheon is skating last in the first group of the free skate. He fidgets with his gloves and his hair as Jiyong and Namjoon sit at the Kiss & Cry, awaiting Namjoon's score. He twists his hips and torso, pulled at his underarm muscles and his hamstrings.

"From South Korea, Kim Namjoon's free skate score is 185.24, putting him in first place overall with a total score of 271.48," The announcer calls. Cheers erupt in the stadium and Namjoon forces a smile onto his face, but it's hard to miss the disappointment in his gaze. They all know Namjoon won't stay in first once the others in the second group skate their pieces. Jooheon makes eye contact with him and gives him another bright smile. Namjoon grimaces back. Jiyong stands and approaches Jooheon, holding his hands out for Jooheon's blade guards. He hands them to Jiyong and then steps on the ice, turning to face his coach.

"Okay, Jooheon," Jiyong says, his voice low and serious. "You're third after the short program. Remember to keep check of your axis in your quad flip and quad toe. Keep your chest up. You're talented and strong. Show the world."

Jiyong nods crisply and Jooheon shakes his hand.

"The last skater in the first group for the free skate, representing South Korea, Lee Jooheon!"

Jooheon pushes off the wall.

The first keys of his free skate music play and he gets lost instantly. He imagines he's back in the taxi on the way to the hotel, whizzing by a sea of flashing lights and neon stars. He pours his heart and soul into his routine, seeing music, feeling colors, tasting smells. His senses give way to adrenaline and all he can see is the crystals in the ice, the blinding lights above him, the faces of each and every person in the arena, watching him. His body twists and bleeds into the music, moving easily in time with the rhythm, just as he had done so many times before.

His quadruple flip-triple toe combination is flawless. The quad toe loop is perfectly rotated. His death drop and flying sit spin were better than he feels he's ever done in practice. He'd skated for his life.

Cheers explode around him as the final chords of his music played and he finishes, one arm pulled to the endless sky above him. He's absolutely winded; the roof of the arena spins above him as he fights for breath in the freezing arena but despite the lack of air in his lungs he still had the breath to yell in happiness at his own performance. Jiyong was cheering and clapping from the sidelines, a wide grin splitting his lips.

_I did it,_ Jooheon thinks, hot tears coming to his eyes as he bows to the audience. _I really did it._

His free skate score is a total of 199.44, pushing him into first place with an overall score of 290.67. 

* * *

The thing about skating, especially at the competitive level they're at, is that crashing into another skater was inevitable. At this point, Jooheon is fairly sure he’s managed to bump into every skater at their home rink in Seoul just because of the amount of skaters on the ice every day. It sucks, a lot, especially if someone gets injured as a result, but it happens. Most of the time they're just little bumps, harmless ‘oops sorry we were both going in the same direction so let me just awkwardly dance-jump-lunge out of your way’ types of bumps.

Unfortunately, this isn't like that at all.

Jooheon's watching the second group warm up with Jiyong and Namjoon, leaning on the wall of the rink as he watches world class skaters from all over the globe whiz by, throwing perfect triple axels and flying sit spins and other perfectly executed skills. His eyes had been all over the rink, his gaze bouncing from skater to skater, lingering a while longer on Changkyun than the others. He almost doesn't see it until it's too late.

Changkyun preps for a quadruple flip, curving around the left side of the rink. He clearly hasn't seen the Italian skater skating backwards from the other end and the Italian skater clearly hasn't seen him either. Changkyun jumps into the air at the same time the Italian man does.

There's a mid-air collision, a sickeningly loud **crack** as their bodies slam together at astounding speed and force. Both of them tumble to the ice—Changkyun lands hard on his side, hitting his head against the unforgiving ice with a deep thud while the Italian man throws his arms out to catch himself and skids on his stomach. The entire arena explodes into screams and cries and gasps of shock and horror, Jooheon's own cry included in the mix.

Running into someone else on the ice is scary and perilous but always a risk. However, it's rare for any skater to collide as hard as Changkyun and the Italian skater just have. Jooheon’s heart starts pounding, his breath coming in short bursts, because _Changkyun isn't moving._

“Get up, get up, get up, kid, please,” Jiyong is mumbling under his breath, gripping the rink wall so hard his knuckles strained against the fabric of his gloves. “Shit. He’s not getting up.”

“Kyunnie,” Jooheon breathes, unable to tear his eyes away from the scene of his best friend laying, immobile, on his side on the ice. Then his gaze catches something red and shiny.

_Blood_. Changkyun is _bleeding._

Jooheon moves without thinking, but it seems that Jiyong is one step ahead of him because he grabs at Jooheon’s arms before he can run out onto the ice and get himself into trouble.

“Jooheon!” He grunts, and Namjoon rushes to help hold Jooheon back. “Jooheon, kid, calm down. The medics are going to him right now.”

He looks up. It's true. The medical team has started to trickle onto the ice like ants, some of them scurrying to the Italian skater who's sitting up but not yet standing. Most of them are heading in Changkyun’s direction.

The younger skater is squirming and shifting on the ice, his chest heaving as he clearly fights for breath, so Jooheon can tell he's conscious, but he isn't getting up. _Fuck, Kyunnie, please, please get up. Please be okay._

Changkyun reaches out and drags a gloved hand down the ice in a fruitless attempt to get any kind of leverage and then the medical staff begin to crouch around Changkyun, obscuring Jooheon's line of sight. And then Jooheon can't see Changkyun and he panics.

“No, no, no, I can’t see him,” Jooheon begs, wriggling in Jiyong and Namjoon’s arms, desperate to get free and go to Changkyun’s side. “No, no, they’re in the way— I can’t see him—”

The medics manage to pull Changkyun to his feet and they're pretty much tugging on him, taking on most of his body weight to get him off the ice. Jooheon’s mouth falls open and he freezes immediately when he looks at Changkyun’s face. There's blood everywhere. It drips from his mouth and his nose and an open gash on the left side of his chin. The blood from his chin had runs down his neck and leaks into his costume, and he holds his fingers to his face in a desperate attempt to catch more blood as it drops steadily from his lips and nose. Jooheon thinks he might faint.

“Keep him over there,” Jiyong hisses to Namjoon. He lets Namjoon take on Jooheon's weight before leaving his side and approaching the edge of the rink to help get Changkyun off the ice.

Namjoon tightens his grip on Jooheon’s arms and pulls him away, dragging him to sit down on a bench farther away from the rink than Jooheon wanted to be. He protests weakly but Namjoon holds onto him firmly, watching the scene unfold before them with a grave look in his eyes.

Jiyong helps the medics lay Changkyun on his back on the ground. He doesn't appear to be fully conscious, his eyes lidded and hazy. The hair on the side of his head is slowly becoming matted with blood and his face and neck are a mess, smeared and dripping with the sticky red substance. Medical staff is flitting about, some of them kneeling by his head to begin to slow the bleeding with tissues.

"Jiyong-hyungnim," Changkyun slurs suddenly, startling Jooheon. "I'm tired... it's loud." His eyes flutter and start to close.

"No, Kyun, you need to stay awake for me, okay?" Jiyong says instantly, dropping to his knees by his side. The medics begins to take Changkyun's skates off. He groans in protest and kicks at them weakly. Jiyong is quick to soothe him, shushing him gently and placing his hands over his knees to still his movement.

"Gotta.. need to skate," Changkyun protests weakly. "Don't take... skates off.. In Japan, gotta skate..."

"Changkyun, you're in no state to perform," Jiyong says firmly, leaving absolutely no room for argument. Changkyun looks up at him with wide eyes. "You're not skating tonight. I'm sorry, Changkyun, but I can't let you skate. Not after that collision. We need to make sure you're alright. I'm pulling you from the competition."

Jooheon's heart drops like a stone to his feet. Changkyun starts to cry.


	7. Part 7: Changkyun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Changkyun and Jooheon have a heart to heart and everything is okay in the world.
> 
> (Please read the notes at the bottom)

Changkyun’s heart shattes when Jiyong announces he’ll be withdrawing Changkyun from the competition. It hurts more than the splitting headache and the stinging in his face. He knows he's quickly fading from consciousness but at the same time, he's overly aware of everything going on around him—the medical staff buzzing about with bandages and tissues and Jiyong speaking rapidly to anyone who’ll listen and the shouts and yells and screams of the crowd and... 

And Jooheon.

Changkyun tilts his head back as much as he can before icy pain spikes up his neck. He looks around for Jooheon, panicking slightly when he can't find him right away. Then a medic moves out of the way and there he is, sitting on a bench nearly five feet or so away. Namjoon seems to be effectively holding him back from leaping into the throng of medics and managers, but Jooheon looks absolutely devastated.

They make eye contact.

Changkyun sees tears in Jooheon’s eyes. Tears fill his own eyes and he lets them roll down his cheeks. He lets himself cry because he's in pain, his body's on fire, he's hot and sticky and bloody and surrounded by people he doesn't know and he isn't going to compete tonight and Jooheon is sitting too far away and he misses his best friend. He loves his best friend. He sobs.

Jiyong’s concerned face comes back into Changkyun’s line of sight. His mouth is moving—he's saying something to him, but Changkyun feels like he's underwater. He can't make out what Jiyong is saying for the life of him, but the more he tries to focus on what Jiyong is saying, the more his head throbs. It's clear Jiyong is trying desperately to keep him awake, but he's exhausted and fading fast. He’ll apologize to Jiyong for not listening later. 

He lets darkness overcome him.

* * *

When Changkyun wakes up next, it's because of the throbbing pain in his head. He can feel the blood pounding in his ears, every pulse sending another spike of pain through his entire body. Forcing open his eyes is a bad idea—everything spun and his vision is already hazy from the agony he's in. He groans, hoping to God he isn't alone and someone can bring him some painkillers or just do _something_ to help him. 

“Changkyun-ah! Are you awake? Do you want any medicine?”

...Jooheon?

Whatever. Changkyun can worry about that later. His main priority is getting some medicine in his system before he blacks out again.

“Painkillers,” He gasps, using every bit of strength he has left in his body just to speak. “Please.”

There's some shuffling around him—pills clattering against something hard and plastic, the crinkling of a cheap plastic water bottle. Then someone gently places their hands under his shoulder blades.

“You need to sit up, okay?” The voice—Jooheon, he reminded himself hazily—says softly.

Changkyun doesn't really want to sit up but he realizes he doesn't have a choice—it's either he stays laying down or he takes the painkillers. He nods as gently as he can and begins maneuvering himself into a seated position, with a lot of help from Jooheon. 

Jooheon holds his hand out, and two little white pills blink up at Changkyun from his palm. He shakily takes the pills and swallows them, downing half of the water bottle before letting Jooheon take it.

It takes a while, but eventually his headache fades into a dull ache that thrums at the base of his skill. He slowly opens his eyes, relieved to see the world no longer spinning. He looks around, curious as to where he is. He's is seated half-upright on what looks like a gurney, in a room with black rubber floors and grey walls. He can't see anything that belongs to him aside from the jacket draped on his lap, but Jooheon's skates and other belongings are in a bag on the floor near the chair Jooheon is sitting in, by the left wall not too far away. 

Jooheon fixes him with an easy smile when he sees Changkyun looking at him.

“Head a little better now?” He asks softly.

Changkyun nods gingerly, testing his movements. He's pleased to discover that it doesn't hurt as much as he'd suspected it would. “What did the medics say?”

Jooheon’s smile falls a little and his expression turns sympathetic. “You have a pretty serious concussion, Kyun-ah,” He says. “That skater hit you really hard, and then you hit your head on the ice when you fell.”

“How’s the other skater?” Changkyun can't remember his name, only that it's long and too Italian for him to properly pronounce. “What’s his name?”

“Feliciano Pelosi,” Jooheon replies. “He’s.. okay, I think. He skated earlier tonight.”

Earlier? Tonight? What? 

“Wait, what time is it?” Changkyun asks, confusion bringing more pain back to his head. He sits very still, trying his absolute hardest to not move in a way that would further aggravate his apparent concussion. 

“Um..” Jooheon glances at his phone. “Almost nine. You’ve been out for a couple hours. You passed out after they got you off the ice and then woke up for long enough to take some medicine and talk to the doctor, and then you fell back asleep. I was actually supposed to wake you up in three minutes.”

“...The competition?” Changkyun struggles to wrap his head around how much time has apparently passed. He doesn't remember anything in between slamming into the other skater—Feliciano, whatever, it doesn't matter to him anymore—and now. Everything is hazy and spinny and just not right.

“It’s over,” Jooheon says simply. 

“What are we still doing here?” Changkyun is so lost. If the competition is over, realistically they would be back at the hotel, right? Had he missed the medal ceremony entirely?

“We decided we wanted you to be awake before we went back to the hotel,” Jooheon explains. “Trying to move you could hurt you more, according to the doctor. Jiyong-hyungnim and Namjoon-hyung are supposed to be on their way back here. They took most of our stuff back to the hotel. I stayed back to watch you and wake you up.”

Oh. That makes more sense. Changkyun nods, no longer as confused as he was before. 

Then it hits him.

He's having a real conversation with Jooheon for the first time in literal months. Butterflies erupt in his stomach, which drops to his feet. Anxiety floods his veins and he dares a nervous glance at Jooheon, only to look back at his hands when he meets Jooheon’s gaze. To his horror, his hands start to feel clammy and sweaty. _Fuck,_ he thinks; he's way too nervous to talk to the man he'd considered his best friend for nearly five years. He hates the way his heart is racing.

He doesn't know what to say. Everything that's been on the tip of his tongue since he and Jooheon were in the bathroom all those weeks ago is still there but he's so, so afraid. He'd thought that Jooheon hates him and now, here he is, the one who stayed back to watch him and make sure he's okay. 

Changkyun can't do this anymore. He needs to get it out.

“Hyung—”

“Changkyun-ah—”

They both speak at the same time, looking up and into each other’s faces and making eye contact. Changkyun means to continue, desperate to be heard, but Jooheon’s eyes are burning with something—passion, desire, desperation, sadness? Changkyun freezes at the look Jooheon is giving him. He doesn't want Jooheon to be sad.

“Kyunnie, I—”

He sounds so earnest and his voice is shaking with desperation, and Changkyun feels tears push against his eyes but before he can swallow the lump in his throat he starts to cry for what's probably the thousandth time in the past couple of months. He hates crying but it's all he’s done since Jooheon started to push him away. His body trembles and his heart thuds in his chest, his fingers shaking as his chest heaves with sobs he didn't know had still been trapped in his body.

“Please don’t hate me anymore, Jooheon,” He sobs, burying his face in his hands. “I don’t know what I did or what happened but please, give me a chance to fix it. I need you, Jooheon. Please, please don’t hate me. I need you in my life. Please, please, just don’t leave me alone..”

A strong force slams into Changkyun and he almost falls backwards off the gurney as strong arms envelop him. His face is pushed into the crook of someone's neck and Jooheon's baby powder scent almost smothers him, and he clutches Jooheon like his life depends on it, as if loosening his grip even a little bit would allow Jooheon to crumble away, slip like dust through his arms. He buries his face in Jooheon’s shoulders and gives way to heavy sobs, breaking down all over again, this time in the one pair of arms he never wants to leave again.

Jooheon doesn't say anything for a little while, letting Changkyun fall to pieces in his arms. Changkyun can tell Jooheon was crying too, but he isn't nearly as hysterical as Changkyun was, and that fills Changkyun’s mind with the worst possible scenarios. What if this is goodbye?

Jooheon begins to pull away. 

Changkyun panics and grips him tighter, but then Jooheon’s arms leave his waist and his hands come to cup Changkyun’s cheeks and then—

Jooheon’s lips are on his.

His hands are warm against his cheeks, his lips soft and smooth. He doesn't feel fireworks or see sparks but he feels the years that have gone by since they first met. He feels the blossom of their friendship from something shaky and unsure into something powerful and beautiful and complex and strong. Changkyun feels love, both platonic and romantic, sexual and chaste. He can feel all the love, all the kisses, all the time they have been robbed of in that kiss, robbed of by time and by fear and by feelings they didn’t know how to identify or deal with. Every secret spilled to each other, every encouraging smile, every hand hold and every hug they’ve ever shared is all poured into this one kiss.

“Changkyun, listen to me,” Jooheon pulls away but keeps Changkyun’s face in his hands, nearly pressing their foreheads together. “Please forgive me. I know I don’t deserve it, not after what I did and said to you, but I need you in my life. As friends, boyfriends, whatever, I just need you. I pushed you away because I was scared. I realized I loved you more than as a friend and I just got so afraid, I didn’t know what to do. But even if you never forgive me or want to see me again I want you to know I love you. Please, just.. Just know that. I love you.”

“Stupid,” Changkyun laughs wetly, blinking more tears down his cheeks. “I forgive you. I forgave you a long time ago.”

Jooheon responds by pressing their lips back together.

They sit that way for at least twenty minutes, Changkyun curled half on Jooheon’s lap, his head tucked under his chin. It's new, but at the same time it doesn't feel new. Jooheon has always been very touchy, more so as their friendship continued to grow and change. He likes hugging Changkyun, pulling and pushing him around and clinging to him. Usually Changkyun just let him do it because he eventually realized that 1, trying to change it wouldn’t actually get him anywhere and 2, he liked it when Jooheon hugged him because it made him feel wanted and 3, he'd always loved Jooheon and every touch they shared, however big or small, made Changkyun feel as though they got a little bit closer every time.

But this isn't like those times. This is intimate in a way that feels different from all the hugs they’ve shared before. This is deeper than platonic love, even if their platonic love ran deep. This is finally understanding each other, truly trusting each other, wanting to be more than friends and finally succeeding. This is treasure; it's precious, it's like a rare gemstone and Changkyun wants to keep it and protect it forever. He wants to stay in Jooheon’s arms for eternity. 

Jooheon doesn't let go.

* * *

Half an hour later, Jiyong returns to the rink with Namjoon and a few other medical staffers. Changkyun learns that Namjoon hasn’t qualified for the Final and because Changkyun had been forced to withdraw due to injury, neither has he. Jiyong has already scheduled their flight back to Korea and they're to leave Japan in two days. Seokjin is going with them, but Jiyong and Jooheon are scheduled to leave for Italy, where the Final is being held.

“Wait, you're going to Italy with Jiyong?" Changkyun asks, turning sharply to look at Jooheon. He winces at the pain as it spikes up his neck and Jiyong gives him a stern look, a look that clearly says, 'don't move too much.' Changkyun gives him a sheepish smile in return. 

“Yeah. I took gold in NHK,” Jooheon says sheepishly, his cheeks dusting pink the slightest bit. He slouches into his scarf and Changkyun’s face splits into a wide grin.

“You’re going to the Grand Prix Final!” He cheers. Jooheon smiles back at him once he registers Changkyun’s excitement. Changkyun pounces on Jooheon, pulling him into a tight hug. 

“I’m so proud of you,” He murmurs into Jooheon’s scarf. Jooheon grins and hugs him back just as tight. There's a knock at the door right as Changkyun asks about how soon he'll be able to practice again.

“That’s what we need to discuss following this miniature checkup you’re about to have.” Jiyong says, and he stands up to let a pair of medical staffers come into the room.

The doctors check Changkyun over again, and they reiterate their earlier diagnosis of a concussion but still tell Jiyong to take him to a hospital before they returned to Korea. Changkyun sighs inwardly. He has no idea how an injury this serious will affect his career. His head still aches dully and so do many of the cuts on his face and chest, but he wishes desperately for a quick recovery so he can get back onto the ice as soon as possible. He makes sure to make Jiyong aware of this.

“Then you need to rest a lot, Kyun,” Jiyong sighs. “Depending on what the doctors at the hospital say in terms of recovery, we’ll devise a rest plan that will ensure your concussion goes away but will still keep you in shape. This isn’t the end of your career, kid. I won’t let it be and I know you won’t let it be either.”

Changkyun gives a small but resolute nod and flashes Jooheon a small smile.

“What’s the plan regarding flights back to Korea and stuff?” Jooheon asks, genuinely curious to know what Jiyong's managed to plan.

“Well, neither Namjoon nor Changkyun qualified for the Grand Prix Finals, so they will leave with Seokjin back to Korea in two days. I want to take Changkyun to the hospital before they leave and see about what treatment we can expect to give him. You and I, on the other hand, will be leaving for Italy in four days. The Final will be held in Torino Palavela, and we’ll meet Minhyuk, Hoseok, and Jimin there, because all three of them qualified for the Finals too.”

“They did? That’s fantastic!” Changkyun cheers as Jooheon’s lips twist into a wide grin. Jiyong’s expression turns prideful, and he nods.

“Yes, it is. Everyone has worked so hard. I’m proud of each and every one of you,” He says, and then his expression turns stern as he looks to Jooheon. “One of you will medal at that competition, Jooheon. I know you will.”

Jooheon returns Jiyong’s intensity with a determined smirk.

Jooheon and Changkyun ride in a taxi by themselves back to the hotel. Jiyong shoots Jooheon a knowing look as he suggests the two take a taxi together. They sit apart but their fingers are laced together, hidden mostly by the thick fabric of their coats and the cloak of darkness.

* * *

It's amazing that _four_ South Korean skaters had managed to qualify for the Grand Prix Final, Changkyun had decided after he was discharged from the hospital and able to do some research. According to Namjoon, Seokjin, and the internet, Jooheon had snatched gold at both the Cup of China and NHK Trophy, beating his own personal record twice, while Minhyuk had placed first in France and third in America. Hoseok had finished second in France and third in Russia, and Jimin had taken fourth in America and first in Canada. Jiyong and Seokjin’s team truly is incredible. 

The doctors at the hospital in Sapporo had confirmed that Changkyun’s concussion is indeed more on the severe side, something Changkyun’s heart had fallen to hear. However, they'd assured him that with rest and pain medication, the damage wouldn’t be permanent. They’ve transferred his patient case to his primary physician back in Korea, and Changkyun is promised he’ll receive more thorough treatment in Seoul with a physical therapist.

Jooheon is busy hugging him goodbye at the airport the morning Seokjin, Namjoon and Changkyun are scheduled to fly back to Korea. He’s already promised to Changkyun that he'll text or call every day, to talk to him about everything, anything, nothing. Changkyun holds him tightly, kissing him firmly on the cheek.

“You can kiss my medal when I get back to Korea,” Jooheon laughs, but Changkyun can tell he's really only half joking.

“Jooheon,” Changkyun says seriously after he pulls away. He looks Jooheon right in his dark eyes, his lips set in a firm line. “I’ll only kiss it if it’s gold.”

Jooheon’s lips part in surprise.

“Skate for me, Jooheon. Win for us,” Changkyun whispers. Jooheon’s eyes light up with a newfound spark, a brand new determination. He kisses Changkyun’s knuckle. 

“I will,” He promises. “Just you watch me. Don't take your eyes off me.”

* * *

Changkyun is welcomed back to Korea with open arms. Well, Kihyun’s arms, anyway. Kihyun, Hyunwoo, Hyungwon, Jungkook, Yoongi, Taehyung, and Hobi are all waiting at the airport when their plane touches down, and Taehyung and Hobi are holding up a ridiculous sign that reads “KIM NAMJOON, KIM SEOKJIN, IM CHANGKYUN” in blue, orange, and purple sparkly ink. 

As it turns out, a lot of Korean skating fans had heard Changkyun, Namjoon and Seokjin would be flying back from Japan that day and there's such a giant crowd gathered at the airport, security had had to place red ropes around the plane gate so the three can actually get through. Changkyun is over the moon with all the support, if he has to be honest, even if the loud cheers and yells from the fans make his head pound.

Kihyun sweeps Changkyun up into a crushing hug as soon as Changkyun is within arms reach. Changkyun initially thinks it's funny, but soon realizes that Kihyun is legitimately trembling. The older man pins him with a firm gaze, but the fond light in his eyes betrays his relief.

“God, Kkukkungie, do you know how much you scared me, crashing into that other man like that?” He scolds, and Changkyun fights hard to keep the grin pushing at his lips off his face. “I swear, my heart stopped beating when you hit each other.”

“I didn’t do it on purpose,” Changkyun defends himself weakly, but his insides are warming as he realizes how worried his friends must have been to watch that on television and not be able to do anything about it. He hates to worry people, but getting this kind of reaction tells Changkyun he's cared about, and thinking about that makes happiness blossom in his chest.

“I know,” Kihyun sighs. “You kids just worry me sometimes.”

Changkyun knows this, of course, and that's why he genuinely tries to be careful and safe. He’d seen the aftermath of Kihyun’s injury and what it had done to him after it became apparent he’d no longer be able to skate competitively. Changkyun knows that injuries, especially the more serious ones, stress Kihyun out much more than he lets on. But injuries are inevitable, especially in a sport like figure skating. They're scary and sometimes career-ending but they're unavoidable. Every skater seriously hurts themselves at some point in their careers. And he knows that Kihyun knows that, because it's logical and reasonable and Kihyun is nothing if neither of those things, but Changkyun does understand the older’s anxiety in regards to injuries.

Kihyun, Hyunwoo, and Hyungwon accompany him to the hospital two days later. Changkyun is grateful they're there for a variety of reasons. He’s seen so many doctors who told him the same thing over and over, he's really hoping whoever he'll see today will be able to tell him what he _wants_ to hear, like how long it'll be before he can get back to skating. However, this does not appear to be the case.

“Due to the seriousness of the concussion you sustained, I’m afraid you’ll need to stay off the ice for at least a month,” The doctor admits forlornly. Changkyun’s blood freezes.

“A _month_?” He gapes in disbelief. “B-but I—I’m a competitive skater. I can’t afford to be off for that long. Four Continents is coming up in February, and then Worlds in March—I can’t—I can’t _not train_ for _four weeks—_”

“Kyunnie, breathe,” Kihyun soothes, rubbing his back. “Everything will be alright, Kkukkung.”

“This isn’t an injury that can permanently damage his career, is it?” Hyunwoo asks the doctor apprehensively. The doctor ponders for a moment, then opens his mouth.

“No, as long as he takes care of himself.” He says thoughtfully. “The unfortunate thing about head injuries is that they are unpredictable and hard to treat. A concussion of this level due to the way it was sustained will take a while to heal completely, and even then it may not fully recover. I’d say a month of only off-ice training at the very least. Ideally he shouldn’t do any kind of activity for a little while, but I think he can probably stretch and do minor strenuous workouts. Jumping and spinning on ice should be prohibited until he passes the one month mark.”

Changkyun stops listening after that. No jumping or spinning for a _month_? As much as Changkyun likes Jiyong and appreciates his coaching methods, a month of only flexibility and strength training sounds like absolute _torture._ He spends the rest of his doctor’s visit desperately keeping tears at bay.

* * *

Once Kihyun and Hyunwoo drop Hyungwon off at the rink and drop Changkyun off at his apartment, he falls into bed and lets quiet tears slip down his face. Kihyun had offered to stay for a little bit, cook some food and keep him company, but Changkyun really just wants to be alone for a little while and despite Kihyun's protests, asks him to leave. 

He hadn’t meant to fall asleep but when he finally comes back to his senses it's nearing 6 in the evening. His eyes are sore and tight from apparently having cried himself to sleep. He wanders from his bedroom into the kitchen, where he sees a plate of uneaten jjajjangmyeon and rice covered in cling wrap, a bottle of painkillers to the left of the plate, and a note placed delicately on top.

_Kyun-ah,_  
_Make sure to eat this at some point, and take your meds afterwards. Drink water and get some rest. Don’t play any video games or anything, they could hurt your eyes, and keep the lights dimmed. Call me or Hyunwoo if you need anything. Either Hyungwon or I will be back in the morning to check up on you, okay?_  
_Kihyun_

Changkyun smiles to himself. He has no idea how Kihyun had managed to get into the apartment—Wonwoo might have let him in—but warmth blossoms in his chest again at Kihyun’s worry. Once he reheats the jjajjangmyeon he eats it quickly, suddenly very aware of how hungry he actually is. He downed the painkillers after cleaning his plate and then goes to lie down on the sofa, flicking on the TV for some soft background noise. 

He scrolls mindlessly through his phone for a little bit with the brightness all the way down. He's kind of bored—if everything was normal right now, he'd be on the ice, either preparing for the Grand Prix Final or just training with everyone else at the rink at home. When he's not on the ice or otherwise training, he gets a little restless—he's been raised to believe he can always do better. Now that he's been banned from doing on-ice exercise for a month, he's not looking forward to being bored all the time. He startles a little when an unexpected text comes in, but he relaxes and smiles when he sees who's texting him.

Jooheon.

_Hey Kyun, how are you doing? I just got done with practice. Jiyong is working us pretty hard. How is your head? Is Kihyun taking good care of you?_

If Changkyun is being perfectly honest, his mind is still reeling from Jooheon’s confession. He still can't quite believe Jooheon loves him the way he had loved Jooheon for nearly two years. What worries him is that he doesn't exactly know where they stand, relationship-wise. His anxiety tells him it's a little bit too good to be true and that he shouldn’t get his hopes up, but if it really is a dream Changkyun, wants to relish in it as long as he can, because this is what he’s desperately wanted for a long time.

_I’m okay right now. My head hurts but I’ll be alright. Kihyun is taking good care of me._

Jooheon responds not even thirty seconds later.

_Wanna FaceTime? Jiyong gave us the rest of the night off._

Changkyun’s heart leaps.

_Yes, of course_

Two seconds later a call comes in and Changkyun answers immediately. He grins when Jooheon’s excited face pops up on the screen.

“Hi!” He says, and Changkyun’s smile gets impossibly wider.

“Hello,” He replies, turning to lay on his side.

“Did you go to the doctor?” Jooheon asks, his voice a little muffled by slight static.

“Yeah,” Changkyun sighs. “They said at least a month of no ice.”

Jooheon’s mouth drops open. “A _month?_ Oh Kkukkungie, I’m so sorry.”

Changkyun bites down on his lip and nodded. Pressure of tears builds up behind his eyes and he furiously swallows them back, determined to not cry in front of Jooheon anymore. He's done crying. He's absolutely done.

“Changkyun-ah,” Jooheon says suddenly, and Changkyun looks up. Jooheon's expression is sad and remorseful and Changkyun internally panics a little. “Can we talk? About… what happened?”

Oh. Well. Changkyun hadn’t really been expecting that. He hadn’t spent too much time thinking about it once the Grand Prix series started because he'd wanted to focus his attention on skating. If he's being honest with himself, though, he'd used the Grand Prix to distract himself, too. What Jooheon had said that night in the bathroom had really hurt Changkyun but he'd surprised himself when he'd discovered he was able to forgive Jooheon as easily as he did. He knows Jooheon hadn't meant what he'd said. 

“If.. if you want to,” Changkyun says slowly. “I know you’re sorry, and it’s okay—”

“But it isn’t okay,” Jooheon interrupts, his eyes turning desperate. “It’s not. Please listen to me. I need to apologize properly. I should never have pushed you away like that. I shouldn’t have snapped at you. I should never have taken my feelings and fear out on you. I..”

“Can I ask what you were afraid of?” Changkyun asks timidly.

“I.. I was afraid of my feelings,” Jooheon sighs, looking down. “After you performed your free skate in full dress rehearsal for the first time before the Grand Prix, I realized how pretty you were and how passionate you were and how much you just really love the ice. You looked so good skating there, it was different from any performance I’d seen you do on television. It made me realize how much I truly love you. And I got scared because I’d never felt that way before and I didn’t know what to do. I’m sorry, Kyun-ah. I’m sorry I’m so dense and blind to my feelings. I’m sorry for what I put you through.”

Changkyun is quiet for a moment, processing what Jooheon has just confessed.

“Jooheon,” He says in a small voice. “Did you know I had the same revelation about you?”

“You-you did?” Jooheon jerks his gaze up. He seems genuinely surprised. 

Changkyun nods. “After Internationaux de France last year. I realized I love you.”

“Internationaux de France… last year?” Jooheon asks in disbelief. Changkyun’s heart rate picks up slightly. “I.. wow.”

“Yeah,” Changkyun breathes.

“And… you still love me?” Jooheon asks. His is voice small, timid, hopeful. 

“Yes,” Changkyun replies. His voice sounds so airy and so full of emotion even to himself.

Changkyun wishes Jooheon wasn’t halfway across the world. He wishes he was here, in his arms, on the sofa in his living room. He wishes he could kiss him.

Jooheon is watching him with soft eyes, something warm and hopeful and sweet glimmering in his chocolate orbs. It's raw, fresh emotion, love directed at Changkyun.

Changkyun feels like he’s been dragged into a tunnel, a never-ending whirlpool of emotion that makes him feel like he's walking on air, like he's untouchable. He's seeing Jooheon for what he really is: a wingless angel, complete with quirks and flaws and blessings that make him human, that make him Jooheon. Being able to truly see Jooheon, to touch him, feel him even though he was in another continent, has Changkyun feeling like he’s uncovered the world’s most precious stone. He holds it close to his chest, tight within two fists. He never wants to let it go. Feelings whip like wind around his heart and his mind, muddling his thoughts and feelings, but all he can do is keep staring into Jooheon’s eyes, just his eyes. He feels it brewing in his chest, strong and powerful and aching but it felt so good. He's happy. He feels weightless. 

This was what true love feels like, Changkyun decides. 

But he wants to make it official. 

“So.. What now?” Changkyun asks bravely.

“What do you mean?”

“What… are we?”

“What do you want to be?”

Changkyun is quiet for a minute. He knows what he wants. 

“I want to be the love of your life,” He says, trying his damnedest to not let his voice shake.

“Okay, then,” Jooheon smiles a true smile and straightens up and cleared his throat, then tilts his chin up so they make eye contact. “Changkyun, do the honors of being my boyf-”

“Yes,” Changkyun interrupts him. “If I could kiss you to give you my answer I would.” 

Jooheon giggles. Changkyun giggles too. His heart bursts.

As he lays on the sofa, talking to Jooheon over video call, laughing at his tales of working out with Hoseok and stretching with Jiyong and finally nailing a perfect quad flip-euler-triple toe combination, Changkyun knows he’ll be okay. He knows Jooheon will be okay. 

He knows they'll be just fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You thought this was the last chapter? Ha! Me too! But I couldn't fit everything I wanted to fit into the last chapter, so I split it up into chapter 7 and an epilogue, which will be coming shortly. Thank you to everyone who hung around to see this story end. It's kind of my baby right now and was actually supposed to be a oneshot but ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ I got a little carried away. Thank you again so much for reading!


	8. Epilogue: Jooheon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jooheon has his stars now.

Cheers from the crowd and the pumping of Jooheon’s heart is all he can register at the moment. Blood rushes in his ears. He swallows his nerves.

Wonho is currently in first place after he nailed a stunning quadruple lutz in his free skate. It had been the best one Jooheon had ever seen him throw. Jimin had popped his quad flip into a triple and rests in fourth. Minhyuk had fallen out of a combination spin, which was incredibly unlike him, and under-rotated his quadruple toe loop, and now he's in fifth. Jooheon had finished first after the short program, meaning he was to skate dead last in the free skate. He's the only one in the entire Grand Prix final who has yet to take the ice.

Changkyun’s words to him echo in his mind.

_“I’ll only kiss it if it’s gold,”_ Changkyun had said. His tone had been so serious, Jooheon hadn't dared ask if he was joking.

_Oh, you’ll kiss it, alright,_ Jooheon thinks, a determined smirk making his way to his lips as he hands his blade guards to Jiyong and sets a resolute foot on the ice. He turns to Jiyong, who's staring at him with the intense expression Jooheon knows so well.

“Who are you skating for tonight, Jooheon?” Jiyong asks, clasping Jooheon’s right hand with both of his. 

“Changkyun,” Jooheon answers without thinking. Jiyong’s eyebrows disappear past his bangs, then he gives Jooheon a knowing smile.

“Skate for your life tonight, kid,” Jiyong says, gripping Jooheon’s hand. “You broke your own record twice in a row this past season. Let’s go for three, yeah? Once you win I'll kiss your medal.”

“Changkyun said he’d only kiss my medal if it was gold,” Jooheon says, and Jiyong throws his head back in one of the truest, most genuine laughs Jooheon has ever heard from him.

“Better bring him a gold medal then, huh?” He grins and shakes Jooheon’s hand; it's the same crisp, firm shake he’d given him the last two competitions. “You got this, kid. Keep check of your axis. Balance on your edges. You know the drill. Make this your best performance ever. I’m proud of you.”

Jooheon smiles. He looks past Jiyong to where Minhyuk, Hoseok and Jimin are sitting. When they catch him looking, all three of them give him wide smiles, flashing him a thumbs up and other encouraging gestures.

“You got this, Jooheon!” Minhyuk yells, desperate to be heard over the screaming arena. “Skate now, think later!”

_Skate now, think later._

He can do that.

“The last skater in the Grand Prix Final men’s free skate, representing South Korea, Lee Jooheon!”

The corners of Jooheon’s lips quirked up as he pushes off the wall and glides to the center of the rink. He stops, shakes his legs and arms out, and poses in his beginning stance. The first keys of the music play, and just like he's used to, everything else fades away.

The yells and cheers of the people fall under the music and the scratching of his blades on the ice. Wind billows in his ears, bites at his cheeks and his nose, drifts smoothly over his skin like water rushes over rocks in a stream. 

Jump. Rotate. Land.

Cheers.

Death drop. Spin. Pose.

Cheers.

He lands his quad loop-Euler-triple toe loop with a little bit of a wobble, but he lands it nonetheless. 

Layover spin into a Biellmann position. Nailed it. Triple lutz-triple toe. Perfect. Slightly shaky landing on the quadruple salchow. Still going strong.

Jump. Level four flying sit spin. Sit, camel, then layover, then Biellmann. 

The last keys of the music play and Jooheon is sure he's touched a star with how far he reached to the sky. 

His senses come back. At first he can't hear anything over the blood pulsing in his ears but then he registers the cheering and screaming of the crowd around him. He falls to his knees on the ice and buries his face into his hands, so overcome with such emotion he isn't able to keep himself standing anymore. He sobs into his gloved hands. 

Jimin is shouting, jumping up and down. Minhyuk and Hoseok are hugging each other. Jiyong is clapping and yelling along with the rest of the arena. 

Jooheon is still crying when he gets off the ice and he's immediately pulled into Jiyong’s strong arms in the tightest embrace Jooheon thinks he’s ever received from him. Jiyong isn't a soft coach by any means, but Jooheon takes the hug willingly.

“You did it, kid,” Jiyong said as he pulls away. His eyes glimmer with happiness. “You did it. I'm so proud of you. But it’s not over yet.”

Jooheon sits with Jiyong in the Kiss & Cry, and his heart is racing. Sweat rolls down the sides of his face and he allows Jiyong to slip his jacket onto his arms despite how hot he is. He breathes in short, heavy, hot puffs of air, trying desperately to get his breath back. 

He wonders if Changkyun had seen the performance. 

Jooheon hadn’t skated for himself. He'd skated for his friends, he'd skated for his family, he'd skated for Changkyun and he'd skated for their relationship. He'd skated for every life but his own and that, to Jooheon, is worth much more than skating for his life.

Jiyong loses his mind when Jooheon’s free skate score comes in. He yanks Jooheon back into a crushing hug as Jooheon stares at the number.

He'd finished at the Grand Prix Final in first place, with an overall score of 297.14. He'd broken his personal best three times in a row.

He hopes his parents and his brother had seen him skate that night. He hopes his friends back in Seoul saw him. He hopes every person he’d come across in the world who doubted him and told him he’d never make it saw him and he hopes every person who ever believed in him saw him. 

He hopes Changkyun saw him. 

He grins and waves at the camera. 

* * *

Changkyun had seen him, as it turns out. He's waiting with the rest of Jiyong and Seokjin’s team at the airport after the small group flies back from Italy.

Jooheon sees Changkyun before Changkyun sees him. He's bundled in two scarves and the thickest overcoat Jooheon has ever seen. The short boy looks almost twice his actual size. He bounces on the balls of his feet, stands on his tip toes, and jumps up and down twice before Kihyun grabs his arm and makes him stop.

And then they make eye contact. Kihyun herds Hyunwoo and Hyungwon towards Hoseok and Minhyuk, tossing Jooheon a knowing glance over his shoulder he tries to give the two of them some privacy—well, as much privacy as they can get in a busy airport on a Wednesday morning.

“You did it,” Changkyun pulls away his scarves as Jooheon approaches him, the grin on his face growing wider with every step he takes.

“I did it,” Jooheon repeats. He looks into Changkyun’s eyes and sees nothing but warmth and pride and love. “Wanna kiss the gold medal? If the light catches it just right, it looks like a star.”

"I've always wanted to kiss a star," Changkyun smiles.

Changkyun eagerly waits for Jooheon to pull the shining, round golden medal from his suitcase, right there in the middle of the airport. Jooheon holds it up and the medal reflects a golden light into Changkyun’s eyes. With shaking hands Changkyun cupped the medal gingerly and kisses it, pressing his warm lips to the cold hard metal. Jooheon's heart sings.

Wordlessly, Changkyun takes the medal from Jooheon’s hands and stands on his tiptoes to drape it over Jooheon’s head, letting the heavy golden object fall to rest on Jooheon's toned chest and shine where everyone can see it. 

“Now, a kiss for my star,” Changkyun takes Jooheon’s face in his hands and kisses him squarely on the lips. Jooheon giggles and melts into him.

If you’d asked Jooheon a year ago where he saw himself after winning the ISU Grand Prix series, he would not say he saw himself standing in the middle of the airport with the gold medal hanging from his neck, glimmering brilliantly in the early morning sun. He would not say he saw himself kissing the boy of his dreams after said boy kissed his gold medal. 

But here he is, completely elated, on top of the world, over the moon, on cloud nine, and a thousand other ways to describe his happiness because he's standing in the middle of the airport with the gold medal around his neck and his best friend-slash-true love kissing his lips after kissing his gold medal. Now he has two stars, two golden prizes he’s wanted all his life: the first place medal, and Changkyun, who will always be his star. 

The gold is dedicated to his star.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, the story is complete! I hope you enjoyed it~ Comments and suggestions are welcome! Thank you so much for reading!


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